


Nodus Tollens

by faithharkness



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gym AU, Lando is a history nerd, Meet not-cute, Multi, Pairings to be added as needed, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rey is a Solo, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Supportive PapaHux, characters to be added as they appear, former MMA fighter Ben, former military Hux
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:47:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7433697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithharkness/pseuds/faithharkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nodus tollens=the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.</p><p>Hux is no longer in the military.  After his release from the hospital, he is working to get some semblance of his life back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Monachopsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Former Captain Hux takes steps to try to put his life back on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Monachopsis:** The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach.

_He could do this. He could do this; he could do this; he could do this._

Former Captain (yes, the rank was still his, but he felt like an imposter wearing it when he could no longer wear the uniform) Hux took another deep breath as the mantra ran through his head.

 _It’s just a_ door, _for fuck’s sake!_ he shouted at himself in his own mind. _Just a door. A wooden door with a frosted-glass window. A door that says_ Cloud City Gym. _You are allowing yourself to be defeated by a_ gym door. _You are supposed to be here. You are expected. Open the door!_

His fingers had almost touched the handle on the door when it was opened from the inside. A dark-skinned man about his father’s age stood there, a large smile on his face.

“You should come in, son. You stand out there too long, you’re going to get cold _and_ worry some of the ladies when they leave the sunrise yoga class,” the man said.

“Mr. Calrissian?”

“Please, call me Lando. And you must be Hux,” Lando said, shaking his hand.

Hux let out a sigh of relief.

Lando winked at him. “Don’t worry, son. Rey’s nickname for you is a secret that is safe with me.”

Hux nodded. His fingers tightened around the strap of his messenger bag; he thought of Rey Solo as a friend and had so far found her to be a reliable person, but considering what had happened to him, his trust issues were understandable. A small smile touched his lips as he realized the last part of that sentence had sounded like Rey’s voice in his head.

“I was serious about coming in, though. People might start to stare.”

“Of course,” Hux replied, stepping inside when Lando opened the door wider. He took note of the fact that Lando made sure to leave him plenty of space to enter the gym without having to brush against him. “Did you serve, sir?” he asked.

“I did, but that doesn’t mean you can get away with calling me ‘sir’,” Lando said, leading him into the gym. “I found I was more suited to academia.”

Hux lifted an eyebrow as he took in their surroundings.

“I am a man of fascinating contradictions and habits,” Lando said, smiling broadly.

“Clearly,” Hux said.

“Ah, there’s that snarky streak Rey mentioned. I went to college once my tour was up. I worked my ass off and got my Ph.D. in history. I lectured for several years before an old Army buddy came to me with the idea of a gym and we’ve been building and running this place ever since.”

“Your doctorate is in military history?” Hux asked, shifting his bag to his other shoulder.

“Well, there was some military history. Early U.S. History; my dissertation was on the women who helped shape the early years of our country. I still guest lecture occasionally, but spend the bulk of my time here and being a doting grandpa.”

“Sounds fascinating.”

“I’ll get you a copy of the dissertation for the next time you have insomnia,” he said, chuckling. “Come on, let me give you the tour, and if you like the look of the place, we can go to my office to talk.”

“All right.”

“Well, first things first—over there, we have our low-impact studio,” he said, pointing.

“Ah, the sunrise yoga,” Hux said. He could see, through the glass door into the room, a few men and women striking yoga poses. Rey had tried to convince him to try yoga, but it didn’t really seem like what he needed. He wanted to get muscle tone back; he wanted to get his body under control. Deep breathing exercises and stretches led by a perky, bendy instructor didn’t seem to him to be the way to do that. Plus, he was rather sure he wouldn’t be able to get his body to go along with getting into several of the positions he had seen.

“Among other things, including a barre for ballet.”

“I was under the impression, from what Rey said, that this was a more rough-and-tumble establishment,” Hux said as he followed Lando to the part of the gym dedicated to exercise equipment.

Lando laughed. 

“Sorry, that came out wrong.”

“Don’t worry, kid. I didn’t take offense. I’m sure Rey talked about how this place was relatively quiet and catered to vets.”

“Yes, she did,” Hux replied, noticing that all of the equipment was set up so the user would not have to have their back to the front door. Discreet mirrors hung near the ceiling allowed people to see what was going on behind them.

“Rey’s a good girl, despite her scoundrel of a father,” Lando said, leading him toward a door set into the back wall.

“She’s a bloody menace,” Hux said.

“She is that, too,” he agreed, opening the door so they could step inside. “As you can see, we have the boxing ring, and various equipment for fight training and/or sparring. The room is sound-proofed so it doesn’t carry out into the other areas of the gym. My nephew handles most of this. I mainly keep an eye on the weight training and exercise routines.”

“I think I’ll be sticking to those,” Hux said.

“Well, your membership gives you access to everything here. If you change your mind, my nephew or one of my daughters will be happy to get you signed up for some training time. Same goes for the low-impact studio.”

“Where do I sign up?” Hux asked as they returned to the main part of the gym.

“Let’s go to my office. You can set your bag down for a bit,” Lando replied. He had noticed Hux switching his bag from shoulder to shoulder, and that his right shoulder seemed to be slightly lower than his left.

“Are you harassing new clients again, Dad?” a woman with Lando’s twinkling eyes asked as she joined them.

Lando laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders. “No, Peggy. Hux, this is my youngest, Peggy. Hux is a friend of Rey’s. She sent him to us to help him get back into shape.”

“Pleased to meet you, Hux,” Peggy said, extending her hand.

“Thank you, ma’am,” he replied, shaking it.

“Oh, I love when Rey sends us the military men. Such manners. And that accent’s not too shabby, either,” Peggy said, winking.

Hux tried to fight back the blush.

“Stop flirting with the clients. Go save the little man from the yoga ladies,” Lando said, turning his daughter away.

Peggy rolled her eyes. “Fine. But I’m bringing him to your office. I have class soon. Nice to meet you, Hux,” she called over her shoulder as she walked away.

“So, Hux, how do you feel about children?” Lando asked.

“I beg your pardon?” Hux said, stopping dead in the hall leading to Lando’s office.

Lando let out a sharp laugh. “My daughter’s about to bring my grandson to me. His mother, Eliza, my eldest, leaves him with me or my wife when she’s working. She’s a detective with the police department,” Lando explained. “I wanted to be sure you’d be okay with that.”

“I haven’t had any problems with children yet. Of course, I haven’t been around too many.”

Lando nodded as he opened his office door. “I can make this quick, just in case.”

Hux tried telling himself that Lando meant he didn’t want Hux to feel uncomfortable; but a small part of him kept shouting that Lando, rightly, didn’t trust Hux around an innocent child. 

“Of course, if you think that’s best.”

Lando sighed as he sat behind his desk. “I don’t think you’re any more of a danger to Alex than anyone else I allow in this place. If I did, you wouldn’t be welcome here, friend of Rey’s or not. It’s just that Alex is two and he experiences the world by either running into it or trying to put it in his mouth. That can be off-putting for some people.”

“That actually sounds like quite a few people I served with,” Hux said, carefully settling into the chair across from Lando.

Lando snorted. “Some things never change.”

“Unfortunately,” Hux muttered, before he could stop himself.

Lando gave him a sympathetic look. “I understand.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t think you really do.”

“No, probably not.” Lando took a deep breath before continuing. “But I have worked with a lot of men and women who have come back. And my partner deals with her service every day. So believe me when I tell you I want to help you.”

Hux nodded. “Where do we start?”

“I presume Rey wrote a plan for you?”

“She didn’t send it to you?”

“We’re not technically a treatment center, so we don’t get access to your records. We don’t get anything _you_ don’t want to give us.”

“Oh. Of course. I have it right in here,” Hux said, reaching into his bag. He pulled out a slim file and carefully handed it to Lando, inwardly flinching as he felt the tremor in his hand.

Lando took the file without comment. A small smile brushed his lips as he read.

Hux stiffened.

“Sorry,” Lando said. “Rey just has a rather colorful way of writing.”

“She must write like she talks, then.”

“You haven’t read this?” he asked, eyebrow raised in disbelief.

“Rey gave me the basics—weights, work to increase my stamina. She then started talking faster and I may have tuned her out.”

Lando nodded. “Rey is exuberant about her work. She genuinely enjoys helping people. It seems she’s taken a special interest in you.”

“Sir, I can assure you—”

Lando waved him off. “I know. Rey would never take advantage of a patient. Besides, you are very much not her type.”

Hux smirked. He should have known better. “So where do we start?”

“G’anpa!!”

Hux nearly leapt out of the chair at the loud shout.

Lando put a hand on his shoulder as he walked past him to where Peggy stood in the doorway with a small boy in her arms.

“Hello there, little man,” Lando said, reaching out to take his grandson. “Do we have to go over manners again?”

“G’anpa!” the boy replied, at a much lower volume.

“There you are. This is G’anpa’s friend, Hux. Say hello to him, Alex.”

Hux looked up into the bright smile and twinkling dark eyes of the little boy. “Hello,” he said, extending his hand.

Alex smacked Hux’s palm with his own, giggling.

Lando frowned. “Handshake, my boy,” he said, demonstrating.

“Five,” Alex replied, solemnly.

Lando looked at Peggy, who shrugged. “Manners go out the window when you let him spend that much time with Kylo. High fives are par for the course,” she explained.

“Ah, yes,” Lando said, setting Alex down in an area clearly designated as a play area for him. “You stay there for a bit, little man. We’ll go out for some playtime later.”

“I’ll be back to see you for lunch, Alex,” Peggy said, waving. 

Alex nodded, picking up a truck and making revving noises.

Hux watched the pure joy on the boy’s face until Lando drew his attention away with a polite cough.

“Rey thinks we should start you out slow. I agree. No offense, son, but there doesn’t seem to be a lot to you.”

“So I’ve been told,” Hux snapped, the words out before he could stop them. _Stop being rude to people who want to help you,_ he scolded himself. 

Hux took several deep breaths. “I am sorry, that was rude.” 

Lando studied him for a moment. “Normally, I’d have my nephew work with you on setting up your routine, but I think that may be a little…volatile. He tends to get under people’s skin.”

Hux laughed harshly. “And mine is so bloody thin right now.”

“I don’t think either one of us really believes that.”

“My therapist would tell you otherwise.”

“If you went to see him,” Lando said, tapping his fingers on the file Hux had handed him.

Hux groaned. “I really should have read that before handing it over.”

“Let that be a lesson to you,” Lando said, firing up his computer. “Now comes the boring part. I get to ask you a lot of questions so we can properly implement Rey’s recommendations into a workable fitness plan.”

“I’m sure they’ll be better than the last round of questions I was asked. I might even answer these,” he said, a harsh smile touching his lips.

“I know that feeling,” Lando muttered.

Hux was about to reply when he felt a tugging on his arm. He looked over to see Alex holding on to his sleeve, the material of Hux’s pea coat in his mouth. 

“That’s not sanitary,” he told the little boy.

“Plech,” Alex replied. He let go of the sleeve and held his arms up to Hux.

“Alex, Hux has an ouch. He might not be able to—”

“I’ve got him,” Hux said, stubbornly, turning in the chair to lift Alex up. He grunted as he lifted him; the little boy was sturdier than he looked.

“If he starts to be a problem, he can go back to his toys,” Lando said, as Alex settled in Hux’s lap.

“He’s fine,” Hux said, watching Alex play with his fingers. 

Lando watched as the tension in Hux’s shoulders evened out. “Yeah, Alex has that effect.”

“Hmm?”

“Nothing. Let’s get started.”  
*****

Two hours later, Hux nodded to his doorman as he entered the building. Upon his release from the hospital, Hux had wanted to move into the townhouse his mother had left him; but once he saw some of the hate mail and photographers staking out the place, he had realized he needed another place to call home. His father had wanted him to move into the family home, where his father could be there to help Hux with his recovery. Hux had appreciated the offer, but he loved his father too much to handle making him see his son’s failures on a daily basis. Instead, his father had purchased Hux’s apartment in a building with a doorman and put the deed in Phasma’s name. So far, no one had tracked him down here; although he was rather sure the doorman knew who he was.

The elevator was blessedly empty all the way up to his floor. He checked the hallway out of habit before he unlocked the front door. He closed and locked the door behind him, then leaned against it and let out a shuddering breath. That had been the longest he’d been out of his apartment in weeks. He had had lunch with his father the week before, but he felt everyone was watching them, so they had gotten their food to go and eaten it in his kitchen. 

He was proud of himself. He was sore and he wanted to lie down in his bed with the lights off for the rest of the day, but he hadn’t had a panic attack, and his morning had been productive.

His smile quickly slid off his face as he realized someone was in his apartment. He tried to stay calm—the doorman wouldn’t have let someone he didn’t know up. It wasn’t someone who meant him harm. It wasn’t—

“Just me!” a voice called from the kitchen.

Hux sighed and dropped his bag by the door. He knew he would regret it later, when he tripped over it, but he was too tired to bend over and get it now.

“Come on, Hux! I’m making you lunch.”

Hux walked into his kitchen, wincing slightly as the muscles around his reconstructed knee protested.

Rey Solo was in his kitchen, frowning slightly at a frying pan.

“Is that a grilled cheese?” he asked.

“With _bacon_ ,” she confirmed, sliding a spatula under the sandwich and depositing it on a plate. She turned off the burner and nimbly stepped over Hux’s cat to set the plate in front of Hux, who had taken a seat at the island.

“Did you give the cat bacon?”

“I gave her mashed potatoes.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “How did you get in here?”

Rey shrugged. “Max, your doorman, recognized me. Once I got up here, Murderkitty let me in.”

“It’s Millicent and she has no thumbs.”

“I pick locks.”

“Of course you do,” he muttered before taking a bite of the sandwich.

Rey smiled as she watched him eat. They had become friends during his recovery, and Rey believed in very few boundaries when it came to taking care of her friends.

“How did you know I’d be home?” Hux asked.

She waved her phone at him. “Uncle Lando texted me.”

Hux lifted an eyebrow. “‘Uncle’ Lando?”

She blushed. “Yeah, see I _thought_ you might not go if you knew Lando was family. But the gym is awesome, right? You’ll keep going?”

“Probably. I didn’t have any panic attacks while I was there. Lando seems like a good man.”

“Did you get to meet Alex? Or Peggy or Eliza or Angelica?”

“I met Peggy. And Alex tried to eat my coat.”

Rey wrinkled her nose as she smiled. “He is quite fond of putting things in his mouth.”

“They were all…nice. I think I could be comfortable there.”

Rey’s smile lit up her face. “Good! That’s so good. You need to make sure you keep up with exercises. You should also get your strength and muscle tone back up to snuff.”

“I wasn’t ever all that muscular, Rey. You must have seen the photos.”

“Yes, but if you want me to stop calling you Noodle, then you have to work at it.”

Hux winced at the nickname.

Rey chuckled. “Well, I am going to clean up after myself and then head out. I do have real patients to see today.”

Hux put his hand to his chest. “I’m hurt, Rey. Am I not a ‘real’ patient to you?”

“Not anymore,” she said, patting his hand. “Now, you’re just my friend who needs a little extra help.”

“I guess I’ll have to live with that,” he said, standing up. He walked over to his junk drawer and pulled out a key, handing it to her. “Just in case. Wouldn’t want you to get arrested if someone happened to see you picking my lock.”

“Your neighborhood watch program is atrocious,” she agreed, deftly adding the key to her key ring.

Hux shrugged. “I’m not sure how many neighbors I even have. And they probably wouldn’t be too fussed if I disappeared.”

“ _I_ would mind,” Rey said, fiercely.

“I’ll be sure to let them know.”

Rey stood on her tiptoes and ruffled his hair. “Go take a nap. I’ll let myself out and lock up behind me.”

He nodded, swallowing a yawn. “Sounds like a plan. I want to be well-rested for my first day at the gym tomorrow.”

“You call me if you need me, okay?” she asked, putting her hand on his arm. She knew he still had nightmares about his captivity and the fallout that followed.

“Of course,” he said, knowing it was a lie. 

He wouldn’t call her. If he needed someone to talk to, he’d call Phasma. She had also served in the sandbox, so she would understand. Rey was good and light; he wouldn’t burden her with the full force of his darkness. He wouldn’t forgive himself if her fondness for him caused her any problems.

Rey sighed. “Liar. Make sure you call _someone_ , though. It would be a shame to undo all that work on your jaw because you laid in bed clenching your teeth instead of asking for help. Don’t make me come lecture you.”

Hux folded his hands in prayer. “Please, anything but a patented Rey Solo lecture.”

“Wise ass.” She looked down where Millicent was batting at her shoelaces. “You keep an eye on him, Millie. Try not to murder him in his sleep.”

“Stop accusing her of murder, you’ll give her a complex.”

Rey snorted. “I’ve seen the way she looks at me. She’s got murder on her mind.”

“She’s a cat. They all have murder on their minds.”

“Well, then take her with you for your nap,” she said, lifting Millicent—who protested loudly at being removed from her prey.

Hux held up his hands before Rey could give him Millicent. “I, um, I think I’ll need to sleep with my door closed.”

Rey blushed. “Right! Of course. Sorry,” she said, setting Millicent on the floor. 

Millicent padded over to Hux and rubbed her face against his calf. He crouched down to scratch her under her chin. 

“It’s all right,” he said softly.

“Hey, I have the day off tomorrow. How about I come in and train with you? Sometimes it helps to have a familiar face.”

Hux huffed as he stood. He was starting to get a headache. He wanted to snap at Rey that he didn’t need a damn babysitter, but he knew he wasn’t really upset with her. He was frustrated with himself. 

“Thank you, Rey. But I think it’s time I stopped leaning on you and Phasma all the time.”

Rey winced. “So, I should probably tell you that Phasma plans to bring you dinner tonight? And I _might_ have told your father about today?”

“Jeezus, Rey, really?” he asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I’m sorry! I was just really excited for you!”

“Rey, I really need to lie down.”

Rey stepped closer to him and, after getting a nod from Hux, gave him a gentle hug. “I’m sorry, I got carried away. Is there anything I can do to fix it?”

Hux smiled against her hair. “Tell Phasma I want Mexican for dinner.”

“You got it.”

“And tell her to bring enough for my dad, because he will probably be joining us.”

Rey stepped back. “I’m on it.”

“And…you are welcome to join us.”

“That is very sweet. But it’s my month to referee the family dinner.”

“Your family is very weird,” he said, remembering some of the stories she’d told him to take his mind off his excruciating rehab.

“One of these days, I’ll have to bring you with me so you can see _just_ how weird.”

“I think I’m going to need _far_ more exposure to groups of people before I can handle a Solo family dinner.”

Rey squeezed his arm. “Look at that, you’re setting new goals for yourself already.”

Hux rolled his eyes. “I’m going to bed.”

“Call me if you need anything,” she yelled after him.

Hux leaned heavily against the hallway wall as he walked to his room. He tried not to count his steps, or the distance between him and the front door, but it was automatic. He closed and locked his bedroom door behind him. The trip to the hardware store to get the materials to put the lock on the door had been his first solo excursion. He had been quite proud of himself, even though the fact that he felt he needed the lock had gnawed at his stomach the entire time. But he had made it through the trip without having a panic attack; it had been one of his first unqualified successes since being discharged from the hospital. It had also been the impetus for him to reach out to Rey for details about the gym she had mentioned to him. He believed that if he had managed a place as open and unfamiliar as the hardware store, he could function at a place that catered to people like him. 

Hux let out a bark of laughter. He didn’t think there was anyone like him. Despite that fact, he had managed to keep one of his oldest friends and make a new one in Rey; and his father was ready to set fire to his own legacy to make things right for Hux.

Now, if he could manage more than an hour of sleep without a gut-wrenching nightmare, he may just be on to something.


	2. Altschmerz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren used to be Ben Organa-Solo. These days, he's a man trying to come to terms with his past, and to build a future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Altschmerz:** Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

“You stole my apprentice from me.”

Lando looked up at the young man standing in his doorway; the smirk on his face belied the ominous tone of his voice. “Technically, Peggy saved him from the thousand cheek pinches he would have gotten from the yoga ladies. Also, he’s not your apprentice.”

“Ky-yo!” Alex cheered, raising his hands up as he toddled over to him.

“On Wednesdays, he is,” Kylo said, easily lifting Alex and swinging him up onto his shoulders.

“It’s Tuesday,” Lando stated.

“No, it’s not.”

“You’re kidding,” he replied, even as he flicked open his calendar.

“Yep, Wednesday all day. That’s why Peggy has class. And I have an apprentice for the morning; his escape from sunrise yoga notwithstanding.”

“Damn,” Lando said, “how did I lose a day?”

“You were in the library all day yesterday. Doing research on that next book I’m not supposed to know anything about.”

Lando studied the young man—his nephew in all but blood—as Kylo allowed Alex to use him as his own personal jungle gym. Four years ago, Kylo wouldn’t have had the patience to be in the presence of a small child, let alone dote on him. Now, he was one of the few people Eliza completely trusted with her child.

“Uncle Lando?”

Lando shook himself. “Sorry. My brain was in the past.”

“If you need to go lose yourself in the archives for a few days, I can handle things here,” Kylo said, settling Alex on his hip.

It was a tempting offer; Lando knew Kylo could handle his classes, scheduling, and dealing with their regular clients. But the young man still took a while to warm up to new people, so he wouldn’t be effective at initial consults. Especially for people like Hux. Lando had followed the news, but—far more importantly, as far as he was concerned—he had also listened to Rey talk about the man. And while trauma such as what Hux had gone through could cause drastic shifts in behavior, Lando was unable to reconcile the man Rey had described—had _befriended_ —with the man whose blood had been called for in the court of public opinion.

No, Lando could not leave Hux in the hands of his still sometimes volatile nephew.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said to Kylo. “But I think we both know your Aunt Cassie would skin us both alive if I was allowed free reign in the archives.”

Kylo huffed a laugh. “ _One time_ you spend 48 hours in there without leaving or eating properly, and she never lets you forget it.”

“Well, I had left her alone with three young girls.”

“Didn’t say she didn’t have a point, just that maybe she could have gotten over it by now.”

“I would not make that argument to her.”

Kylo snorted. “Not as stupid as I look, Uncle Lando.”

Lando laughed. “Don’t you have classes to be getting to?”

“ _Wednesday_ ,” he repeated. “I’m going to go work on some gymnastics with Alex before Peggy comes to steal him back away from me.”

“I thought he was _your_ apprentice.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not appropriately terrified of a Calrissian woman. I know my limits.”

Lando smirked at him.

Kylo rolled his eyes. “I’m working on them!” he called over his shoulder as he left the office with Alex.

Lando chuckled to himself as he looked over his schedule for the rest of the week. If he could get Rey to come in and help Peggy cover for him, he might be able to get another full day in at the library on Friday. As long as he was home for dinner and spent time at the house over the weekend, Cassie wouldn’t have any reason to give him The Eyebrow over his new project…  
*****

“Well, kid, it is a good thing you appear to have inherited your momma’s smarts and looks, because you got exactly zero of her grace,” Kylo said to Alex.

Alex, comfortable in the boneless way only toddlers could be, giggled from his position halfway through the forward roll Kylo had been trying to get him to do.

“Pflarg,” Alex replied, completely unaffected by Kylo’s words.

“If I remember correctly, _you_ didn’t stop tripping over your own enormous feet until you were about twelve.”

Kylo looked up to see Peggy standing in the doorway of the low-impact studio.

“And look at me now,” he replied, his smile pulling at the scar on his face.

“Trying to create a gymnastics dynasty with a two-year-old,” she said, nodding her head slowly.

“You’ve got to start them young. And BB keeps trying to eat her tights,” Kylo said.

“Pflarg,” Alex said again, righting himself.

“Okay, buddy, from the top. Show Aunt Peggy what you can do,” Kylo said, dropping beside Alex to help him get into position.

Alex copied him and managed to do a more-than-serviceable forward roll. Peggy and Kylo both broke out into cheers and applause, earning a toothy grin from the boy.

“That’s my apprentice!” Kylo shouted, scooping Alex up and tossing him in the air.

Alex giggled as he was repeatedly thrown and caught.

“All right, all right. That’s enough. I need to take him for lunch and if you keep throwing him, I will probably end up with vomit on my shirt,” Peggy said.

“Aunt Peggy ruins all our fun,” Kylo huffed, rubbing his nose against Alex’s.

“Yeah, yeah, mean Aunt Peggy,” she said as she took Alex in her arms.

“Mean,” Alex repeated, giggling.

“Yes, mean. Mean Aunt Peggy who is going to take you to see Momma for lunch!”

“Momma!” Alex shouted.

Kylo winced.

“I don’t know why you’re wincing; it’s my ear he shouted into.”

“It’s the pitch,” he replied, holding the door open for them.

“Wuss,” she muttered, hip checking him. “Is his coat in Dad’s office?”

“I think so. He was already coatless when I snatched him up for yoga,” he replied, shrugging into his own coat.

She nodded. “What do you have planned for the rest of the day? Wanna grab lunch with us?”

“Thanks, but I have plans for the afternoon before I have to fortify myself for dinner tonight.”

“Ah, yes, it’s the third Wednesday of the month: Solo Family Dinner Melee. Glad it’s not my turn to be the special guest.”

Kylo rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, Uncle Chewie is back in town and Rey’s schedule has finally lightened up, so it’ll just be the five of us. Unless Mom gets a call about some crisis. Again.”

“You’re secretly hoping for that, aren’t you?”

“I _may_ have asked Jess if she had any pagan friends willing to sacrifice a goat for me.”

“Little ears!” Peggy scolded, holding her free hand over Alex’s ear.

“Hey, if he knows what ‘sacrifice’ means, he did not learn it from me.”

Peggy sighed. “True. He’d be more likely to pick it up from Angelica. Why, oh why, did your auntie decide to teach classics?” she asked Alex, bouncing him lightly on her hip.

Alex laughed.

“All right. I’m going to get this one his coat and head out. Give me a shout if you end up needing reinforcements tonight.”

Kylo wrapped her and Alex into a big hug. “I will. But I’m trying to be more of a grown-up.”

Peggy frowned. “Don’t make me scold you while I’m holding an impressionable child.”

He smiled as he wrapped his long, maroon scarf around his neck. “I’ll see you later, Peg.” 

“Tell Jess I said hello.”

“What makes you think I’m going to go see Jess?”

“I do my research. It’s been six months since your last tattoo; family dinner tonight; and you just got an advance on your next book. That all points to an afternoon at _Aurebesh_.”

“Eliza may carry a gun, but you’re still the one who scares me the most,” he said solemnly, before pressing a smacking kiss to her cheek, then Alex’s.

Peggy laughed as she pushed him toward the door with her free hand.  
*****

Kylo let out a sigh of relief as the front door to _Aurebesh_ closed behind him with a barely audible _click_. He had made today’s appointment three weeks ago, when his agent had informed him that Resistance Publishing had agreed to a substantial advance for the next three books in his _Knights of Alderaan_ series. He closed his eyes and took in the sounds and scents of the tattoo parlor.

“You’re late.”

Kylo opened his eyes and smiled at the shop’s proprietor, his best friend of more than two decades: Jessika Pava.

“I have a very good excuse.”

“Mm-hm.

“No, really. I was teaching Alex gymnastics. He finally managed a forward roll.”

Jess’ eyes widened in joy. “No way! All by himself?”

“I was beside him, but for the most part, yeah.”

“I guess Binx is going to have to step up her game, then,” Jess said, referring to BB, her goddaughter.

“I think she can still take him on the floor routine. He might have her on the bars, though,” he replied, rolling his shoulders. Much as he didn’t mind Alex climbing on him, the little boy was sturdy and could take a toll on his muscles.

Jess chuckled. 

“Speaking of BB, where is she?”

“She is taking a nap. I scheduled you for now—well, for 30 minutes ago—because it would be during her naptime.” 

Kylo winced as she held up the baby monitor. BB was their friend Poe’s daughter; since Poe’s girlfriend had run off, leaving the baby behind in the hospital after delivering her, Jess and the rest of Poe’s wide circle of friends had been there to support him. The greatest support had come from Poe’s best friend, Finn, who had used his “mad skills” as a family law attorney to track down the former girlfriend and make sure she legally surrendered all rights. Bianca Beatrice Dameron was solely Poe’s; Poe’s, and her found family’s. 

“I’m sorry, Jess. It couldn’t be helped.”

“I know. But, you understand, I had to call in reinforcements.”

“Reinfo—shit.”

“Nice to see you, too, Gigantor.”

Kylo turned to see Jess’ younger sister, Olivia, coming down the hallway that led to the office and private room behind the tattoo parlor.

He whirled back to face Jess. “Seriously? You couldn’t have asked Finn? Or Poe’s parents? Or _literally_ anyone else?”

“I could have, but I knew O was free because I’m doing her tattoo after you’re done,” Jess replied.

Olivia sat down on a stool behind the front desk. “You should be happy, Ben.”

Kylo half-growled at her for using his real name.

“Come on, Phasma is going to come by later to bring me food. I might share some with you.” She leaned forward on her elbows and grinned at him. “You know it’s the closest you’ll get to eating in her restaurant anytime soon.”

Kylo opened his mouth to make a crass comment about eating and Olivia’s girlfriend, but was cut off by the sound of the parlor door opening behind him. He turned to lock eyes with the platinum blonde Amazon who, for reasons he couldn’t completely fathom, had fallen madly in love with the youngest Pava sister.

“You didn’t tell me Shortie would be here. I’m not sure I brought enough to feed a platoon,” Phasma said.

Jess snorted at Phasma’s nickname for Kylo.

“Traitor,” Kylo muttered at her.

Phasma ruffled his hair as she strode past him to the desk. She gave Jess a one-armed hug before setting the large bag she carried on the desk. She swept Olivia into her arms, bending her down to press a warm kiss to her mouth.

“Ugh, enough with the classic movie glamour,” Jess said, pushing at Phasma’s arm.

“You’re just jealous,” Olivia snarked.

“Why, yes, I need someone tall, built and handsome to darken my doorstep on a regular basis,” Jess replied.

“Jess, if boobs at all interested me, yours would be the ones for me,” Kylo said.

“Why are you friends with him?” Phasma asked.

Jess sighed. “Despite his inability to use his words properly, he’s one of the best men I know.”

“Also, I have an eight-pack,” Kylo added.

Jess wadded up a piece of paper and threw it at his head. He didn’t bother to move, allowing it to hit him square in the middle of his forehead.

“Actually, it’s good that you’re here,” Phasma said.

“It is?” Olivia asked.

Kylo lazily flipped her off.

“It is. I am trying my hand at a spicy salsa. Not my usual fare, but it’s a surprise for a friend. I need someone to test it on. I’d rather ruin his palate than yours,” Phasma said, wrapping her arm around Olivia’s waist without looking away from Kylo.

“Spicy? I’m in,” Kylo said.

“Ah-ah, you are already late. Tattoo first, then goodies,” Jess said.

“Well, if you don’t mind. It would help if I got opinions now, so I have time to tweak it before making it for my friend.”

Olivia’s expression softened. “Armitage?”

“Yes,” Phasma replied.

Olivia turned to Kylo. “Have some. You, too, Jess.”

Kylo was about to ask if they should wake BB, as well, but something in Jess’ expression stopped him. “All right, Phasma, hit me.”  
*****

Kylo was comfortably settled in the tattoo chair, reclined to give Jess proper access to his chest.

“It’s funny,” he said.

“What?” Jess asked as she put on her gloves.

“Family.”

“Yeah, I’m going to need more than that.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “You like me better than my own sister does.”

“To be fair, that’s because you cut off most of her hair when she was four.”

“She had bad heat rash and no one was doing anything!”

“Well, they certainly had to do something after that.”

Kylo sighed.

“Before you get settled in with your, undoubtedly scintillating, diatribe, I’m going to need the title of the next book.”

Kylo paused for a moment. Although he knew he had to give her the information for his tattoo, there was a part of him that wanted to keep it to himself.

“We can do something else,” Jess offered. “I can add to the map on your back if you’d like. But I thought you wanted to add to your publishing tattoo.”

Kylo nodded. When his first novel had been accepted for publication, he had come to Jess to commemorate this new milestone in his life. She had tattooed an unrolled scroll above his heart, the bottom edge of the scroll ending just above his nipple, with the title of the book in small print at the top of the scroll. Jess had tattooed the title of the second book beneath it a year later.

“I’m not asking for all the books in your new contract; I _know_ you haven’t solidified them yet. But I’m willing to bet BB’s college fund that you know the title of the next book,” Jess said.

“Coming Home,” he replied, softly.

Jess nodded. “Damn. You’re going to break our hearts with this one, aren’t you?”

“Yep,” Kylo replied, relaxing. “But then I contractually have two more books to fix it.”

“At least two more books,” Jess corrected, setting her gun to the ink.

“At least,” Kylo agreed.

“This will take almost no time, you realize?”

“I thought maybe we could discuss my next big piece after.”

“Of course,” Jess said. “I also have some applicants for an apprenticeship if you’d like to take a look?”

Kylo closed his eyes and relaxed into her touch. “If you insist.”

Jess smiled as she began tattooing the elaborate script into his skin. “Always.”  
*****

“Phasma has plans for tonight, so I could get Olivia to watch Binx if you need me to come with you,” Jess said.

Kylo paused briefly as he shrugged into his coat. He ultimately shook his head. “I appreciate the offer, Jess, but I think I can handle it. Things have been pretty steady lately; I’d rather save you as a buffer for a dinner I _know_ will be rough.”

“All right, then. Give your family my best.”

“Of course. They like you much better than they like me; I try to bring you up as much as possible.”

Jess punched him in the shoulder. “I’d try to hug that defeatist attitude out of you, but I just gave you a chest tattoo, so my emotional support will have to do.”

Kylo made his eyes as wide as possible. “Oh, no. It’s like I somehow planned it.”

“Fuck right off.”

“With relish. As soon as you introduce me to Right Off,” he replied, hurrying out of the room before she could throw something potentially damaging at him.  
******

Kylo tried to be subtle in his coping mechanisms. At first, he had tried swallowing everything down until he had no choice but to let it out with explosive, and sometimes violent, results. When he was younger, his anger and (admittedly, mostly self-imposed) isolation had made him easy pickings for a certain kind of person. Master Snoke, the owner and master trainer at First Order Arena, had sought influence through Kylo—then Ben Organa Solo. Snoke had hoped to curry favor for his weapons manufacturing by befriending the son of General Leia Organa. Snoke had played a long game, working Ben’s insecurities to the point that the young man abandoned his family to live and work at FOA full time. Once he was legally able to do so, Ben changed his name to Kylo Ren and joined Snoke’s MMA team, the Knights of Ren, cutting all ties with his family. Kylo had been good at MMA; he had _excelled_. He was proud of himself and his abilities for the first time in his life. But then Kylo had been pushed too far in the ring and he had nearly killed a man. 

In the aftermath, Snoke had abandoned him and Kylo had found himself scared and alone. To his ever-lasting surprise, he had not been alone for long. His father had arrived from whatever far-flung country he had been in practically overnight, bailing Kylo out. Han had wanted to take Kylo home, but Kylo couldn’t believe he would be welcome; he thought he would be ridiculed and isolated. He thought his mother would only house him to try to mitigate the oncoming scandal. Han had acquiesced, taking Kylo to a cabin that belonged to his uncle, Luke. Kylo had never been more surprised in his life than when his mother had shown up, completely incognito, and begged him to let her help.

Kylo had weathered the storm, with his entire family around him, making him feel claustrophobic and desperate for an escape. Eventually, no charges were filed, and Kylo found himself a broken man with a past he couldn’t feel proud of without also feeling crushing guilt, and no real prospects for his future. So he did something he never thought he’d do—he’d dipped into his trust fund and gone traveling. He had studied the roots of the fighting styles he’d bastardized for years; he’d studied meditation; he had found himself before coming home. He had been surprised when his friends and family allowed him to just slip back into their lives as though he had never been gone. Which, unfortunately, also meant that a lot of the same tensions were still there whenever he, his parents and sister were all under one roof. At least now, most arguments ended with apologies instead of broken furniture and throats raw from screaming.

These days, he kept his temper, and he projected an outward aura of someone who was capable and happy with the current status of his life. It was usually easy: he was happy in his chosen profession; he enjoyed the work he did at Cloud City; he loved his friends and family; and he was carefully working to accept his broken history. But there were times when the old anger and loneliness came back; when his insecurities kept biting and biting at him until he felt soaked with blood. And as much as he was sure they didn’t mean it, there were times just being in the same room with his family for more than an hour fed the beast of his past.

He took a deep breath before knocking on the front door of his parents’ home. The door opened seconds after his knock, his sister Rey standing there smiling at him.

“You do realize that you don’t have to knock, right? You went through the gate; we _know_ it’s you,” she said.

Kylo reached out and tweaked the tip of her nose. “I learned these things called manners in my travels. One should knock before entering someone’s home; even family.”

Rey wrinkled her nose. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

“Olivia bet me dinner at her girlfriend’s restaurant I couldn’t get through dinner without being the person who sent it spiraling out of control.”

“Wow. You should have let me know you were taking sucker bets again.”

Kylo laughed and swept her up into a bear hug. 

Rey shouted in laughter and allowed the hug for a moment before hitting his shoulders.

“You need to get back to the gym, sister-mine. Those tiny, ineffectual fists are no match for me,” Kylo said, following her into the house.

_“Stop teasing your sister; she’s tiny enough to easily reach your vulnerable spots.”_

Kylo smiled at the familiar cadence of Romanian. “ _Uncle Chewie! So glad to see you!_ ” he replied in the same language, allowing a long, enveloping hug from his tall, hairy uncle.

“Leave the kid alone, Chewie,” Dr. Han Solo called from the living room. While he could read and understand Romanian, Han had never mastered speaking the language, so he, like Rey and Leia, usually spoke to Chewie in English, knowing his life-long friend would understand.

“How long you staying in town this time, old man?” Kylo asked, flopping into an armchair across from his father.

“At least another month. There’s some hulabaloo about our permits for the dig near Pitesti.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow. “By ‘hulabaloo’, do you mean they have not forgotten the last time you spent an extended time in Romania?”

“That was almost twenty years ago!” Han protested.

 _“My people have long memories,”_ Chewie said, chuckling.

“Yeah, yeah,” Han replied, waving him off. “You’d think they’d be happy about all the press I got them. And I _did_ make sure Romania kept all the artifacts.”

_“Your fight with a rival team caused damage to a 600 year old castle.”_

“Not Romania again. You know how that gets him worked up, Han,” Leia said as she joined them.

“Mom,” Kylo said, going to her to press a quick kiss to her cheek. 

It took a little more effort to ease into things with her; a small part of him still blamed her for leaving him with nannies and minders so much when he was younger. Han had taken Kylo along with him whenever he could, but after an incident in Estonia (which Han still claimed was not _entirely_ his fault), she had put her foot down about young Ben traipsing around dig sites. Han had made it home to visit as much as he could; but that had been the heyday of his career, and there was always just _one more dig._ Ultimately, Kylo believed that he held more animosity toward his mother because she had been the one to make the decision to send him away to his Uncle Luke. In retrospect, he could now realize it had been for the best, but his eleven-year-old self had screamed and raged until Luke had no choice but to send him back home.

“I’m glad you could make it, sweetie,” Leia said.

“He’s only here to win a bet,” Rey said, stealing her father’s glass of scotch and taking a drink.

“Well, that and I was promised spaghetti,” Kylo said. “Uncle Chewie tells me the new cook is magnificent.”

“Uncle Chewie needs to stop making time with my staff,” Leia replied.

“Well, if you had more than fifteen minutes at a time to spend in the kitchen, you wouldn't need staff,” Kylo stated. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized the joke would fall flat.

Han coughed. “Is dinner ready?”

“Yes. Why don’t we go have a seat in the dining room?” Leia asked, turning on her heel.

Chewie and Rey quickly followed her, Rey throwing a frustrated look over her shoulder at Kylo.

“Your mom loves being in the kitchen,” Han said softly, clapping Kylo on the shoulder. “And you loved helping her.”

“I remember.”

“Maybe lead with that next time.”

“Yeah,” Kylo agreed, following his father out of the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry it took so long for this. The next update will be much quicker, I promise.


	3. Exulansis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Exulansis:** When there’s not an actual word for what you’re trying to explain.

Phasma used her key to let herself in to Hux’s apartment, deftly balancing the food she’d brought in her other hand.

“Hello, sir,” she said as she saw Hux’s father, Brendol Hux, walking toward her from the apartment’s living room.

“I’ve told you; if you’ll just let me know you’re on your way, I’d help carry,” he said, reaching out to help her with the bags.

It was an old argument, so she didn’t protest as she handed him some of her burdens. She turned to lock the door behind her before following him into the kitchen.

“I wasn’t sure you’d be joining us,” she confessed.

Brendol huffed. “My boy went out into the world on his own and made a first step in getting something of himself back. I wanted to be here to celebrate,” his eyes hardened. “Or to comfort him if it turned out to be too much.”

“Is he still asleep?”

“Millicent went charging down the hall a little bit ago, and I heard the bedroom door open not long after. He’s probably in the shower.”

Phasma nodded as she began to take items out of her bags; putting a six pack of Hux’s favorite beer, taco fixings, and a large container of salsa in the fridge before setting a tray of food in his oven. She set the temperature to keep the food warm.

“Should you have brought beer?” Brendol asked.

“I know he hasn’t been taking his pain pills as he should. If he’s stayed true to course, I don’t see why he shouldn’t be allowed a beer.”

“That little sneak,” Brendol said, chuckling even through his exasperation.

“Shit,” Phasma said. “You didn’t know.”

“He said he was cutting back, not that he’d stopped taking them. It’s because of the nightmares, isn’t it?”

She nodded. “And he doesn’t like the way they make him feel.”

Brendol sighed. “He can’t get better if he’s constantly in pain.”

Phasma was at a loss for a moment. Brendol Hux was a retired general; a famed statistician who had the respect of the entire military community; and someone who was regularly sought for advice on military matters. She had been in awe of him even before she had served with his son, and then met him in person. She had thought it was shattering to see him sitting by his son’s hospital bed, sleepless and angry, but it was nothing compared to the helplessness radiating off the man now. She stood beside him and gently put her hand over his.

“I think…I think he feels he needs the pain. I think he’s using it to keep himself focused.”

“Focused on what?”

“On getting through this. On showing everyone they were wrong to toss him aside. To ever doubt him,” she said, fierceness creeping into her voice.

“I got a call today. The investigators want to set up an interview,” he said, running a hand over his face.

“It’s not an interview; it’s an interrogation.”

They looked up to see Hux standing in the kitchen’s doorway.  
*****

Hux startled awake, the action immediately followed by a hastily swallowed grunt of pain as his injuries made themselves known. The ache in his jaw and screaming pain in his shoulder and knee told him that he had been tensing in his sleep. That meant that while he didn’t immediately remember the exact content of the dream, it had to have been about his capture. Only that particular strain of nightmare brought on this kind of pain. 

He carefully laid back down and stared at his ceiling. He focused on his breathing; focused on how it no longer wheezed or caught at the back of his throat. Back in the early days, when he was conscious more often than not, but still mostly incoherent with pain and drugs, Rey had advised him to take the small victories where they came. He had (embarrassingly weakly) shoved his cup of water at her. She had caught it before it had hit her or spilled. The worst was that his father had been present for his outburst (such as it was), and had lectured him about taking his frustrations out on one of the few people who had shown him kindness. His father, of course, had been correct; and once he was able to speak, his first words were an apology to her. 

He snorted a laugh. If he and Rey had been each other’s type in any way, shape or form, they would have been a fucking cliché. The wounded soldier and the comely professional who nursed him back to health. Well, for a certain definition of “health”.

Hux sighed. He should get up; he needed a shower after today’s adventure. And if the hazy gray light coming through his window was any indication, he would probably be getting company in the not-too-distant future.

His mouth started to water as he thought about dinner. He hoped Phasma would bring something from Viva; he had discovered the place through Rey, and they had a red salsa that he loved more than breathing. Phasma enjoyed the place, too, but she was determined to get as much healthy food into Hux as possible; and Viva was good, but a steady diet of it would probably be hard on his arteries. She usually brought him meals from her own restaurant, Chrome, but she had yet to add Mexican-influenced foods to her menu, so when he put in the request for Mexican food, she usually acquiesced to his love of Viva. 

Hux smiled as he heard a distinct meowing coming from outside his bedroom door. He turned his head and, sure enough, a small orange paw was slipping under the door. Millicent always knew when he was awake, and she only gave him a little bit of time to himself before demanding the scritches she was due as mistress of this domain.

“I’m coming, Millie,” he said as he hauled himself to his feet. He bit back a moan as his muscles pulled and cramped. He desperately needed a massage, but he was nowhere near ready to allow a stranger to put their hands on him that intimately.

He opened the door and Millicent stared up at him for a moment, meowing at him, before she felt satisfied and head-butted his shin. He bent down and picked her up, burying his face in her fur. 

“I know, Millie,” he replied to her meow. “How about you curl up on the pillows while I get a shower?”

She purred beneath his hand as he scratched behind her ears. He walked back over to the bed and gently set her down, chuckling when she immediately began kneading the pillows.

“If that is all, your majesty.” He bowed slightly to her before walking into his en suite. 

He winced slightly as he flipped the lights on; they were shockingly bright, but he couldn’t yet handle dim lighting when he was completely naked and vulnerable. Hux grimaced at his reflection. His hair had grown down to his chin; he would have to start pulling it back or bite the bullet and get a haircut. He shivered at the thought of allowing someone to have sharpened metal that close to his neck.

“Man bun or stubby tail it is, then,” he muttered to himself. 

He rubbed his jaw and decided he could wait another day or two before attempting to shave again. His last attempt, thanks to shaking hands, had resulted in several nicks and one outright cut. He had become steadier in the days since, but thought he had extended himself enough for today. Besides, the facial hair helped mask the faint scars from his jaw surgery.

“Mraow!”

“I know for a fact that Rey put food in your bowl, you glutton!” he called out to Millicent.

He laughed at the feline grumble that answered him. He would have scolded Rey about spoiling the cat if he wasn’t more guilty of it than she was; and if he hadn’t been sure leaving her with his father while he was overseas had set the spoiling standard.

Hux sighed at his reflection, his fingers toying with the hem of his t-shirt. He had stripped down to his undershirt and boxer briefs to sleep, and his bedroom had been dim enough that he couldn’t see the scars on his legs as he had gotten out of the bed.

“Come on, old sod, you need to get used to it,” he said quietly to himself. He pulled the shirt up and off, pleasantly surprised that the agony in his right shoulder was at a manageable level. 

He folded the shirt absently before tossing it into the hamper. He turned back and stared at himself in the mirror. Rey had been right to nickname him Noodle; he could see how soft he looked, how fragile his muscles looked beneath pale skin. The surgical scars on his abdomen were pink instead of the angry red he was used to, as was the scar from his chest tube. He was able to trace the medicals scars without flinching, but he couldn’t yet look closely at the scars from the torture.

“Okay, enough for today,” he said, nodding to himself.

He turned and started the shower, waiting until the temperature was right to shuck his shorts and toss them into the hamper. He moaned in pleasure as the hot water beat down on him with just the right amount of pressure. He had at first thought the adjustable showerhead was an unnecessary expense, but his father had, again, proven him wrong. There were days when the feeling of the hot water cascading over him, hitting his wounded body in just the right way, was the only thing helping him feel human. He had found this shower, with its cool stone tiles and glass door, grounded him in the here and now the way few other things did; there had been nothing like it in the heat of the desert, or the sterility of the hospital.

Hux took his time washing his hair and body. He luxuriated in the expensive products stocking his shower. When he had been overseas, he had quietly, if not happily, used whatever had been issued to him. His lone indulgence had been the product to keep his hair slicked back into his chosen style. But now, the Army was through with him and he was through suffering on their behalf. He would exfoliate; he would smell of something other than sweat and chemicals; and, by God, he would let his hair air dry and fall in his face.

“Fuck them,” he muttered, rubbing shampoo into his scalp a little more forcefully than was strictly necessary.

He paused after stepping out of the shower, hearing the sound of his front door opening. His fingers tightened on the edge of his towel; he relaxed slightly when he recognized Phasma’s voice, and his father’s. Hux peeked out into his bedroom and saw Millicent seated on the bed, staring expectantly at him. Phasma would have brought some treats for the cat, but Millicent was willing to wait for her human.

“All right, all right,” he said to her before quickly drying himself.

He pulled on a fresh pair of boxer briefs and stood staring at his dresser for a few moments. As much as he wanted to dress for dinner, he was still tired. He settled on a pair of comfy, but neat, flannel pajama bottoms and a long-sleeved navy t-shirt.

“Come on, Millicent,” he said, lifting the cat into his arms. She squirmed until her chin rested on his shoulder, settling in for the ride.

He paused at the doorway to the kitchen, listening to the conversation inside. 

“On getting through this. On showing everyone they were wrong to toss him aside. To ever doubt him,” Phasma said. She sounded quietly angry on his behalf.

“I got a call today. The investigators want to set up an interview,” he heard his father reply.

Hux sighed and stepped into the doorway. “It’s not an interview; it’s an interrogation,” he said.

Phasma and his father both looked at him, shock on their faces. He took a quiet pride in the fact that he had managed to sneak up on two of the most capable soldiers he knew.

“How are you feeling, son?” Brendol asked as he walked over to Hux.

Hux just had time to set Millicent down before he was wrapped up in a warm, all-encompassing hug. He let himself relax into the embrace; ever since he was a child, his father’s bear hugs were one of the most comforting things in the world.

Today, his need for that comfort hurt. 

“Oh, my lad,” Brendol said.

Hux gave his father a final squeeze before stepping back. “Phasma,” he said, nodding to his friend.

“Hux. Have you taken your pain pills today?” she asked him.

He fought the urge to toy with the hem of his shirt. “I took them this morning before going out. But with all the activity and then Rey being here when I got home, I forgot to take them before lying down for a nap.”

“Hmmm…” she said, walking to the refrigerator. “Then I suppose you can have this,” she said, handing him a bottle of beer.

“Bless you. Where is my Viva?” Hux asked, fishing a church key out of a kitchen drawer to open his beer.

“Who says I brought you Viva?”

“Did Rey not have a chance to call you?”

“She did. There is Mexican food in your oven, but I made it.”

Hux tried not to look disappointed. Phasma was an amazing cook, but he had been craving that salsa.

“Oh, put that pout away. I think I’ve managed to reverse-engineer the salsa,” she said, taking the container out of the fridge.

Brendol busied himself getting plates and utensils out.

“No way,” Hux said, his eyes lighting up.

“You doubt my skills?” Phasma asked.

“No. Never. Not even on a dare.”

Phasma snorted and slid the container across the island to him.

Hux opened it and took a deep breath. The aroma of the spices assaulted his nose, causing him to sigh in pleasure. “Yes,” he whispered.

“You haven’t even tasted it,” Brendol said.

“The nose knows,” Hux replied, reaching for a spoon.

Phasma smacked his hand. “You will not eat that like it’s soup.”

Hux narrowed his eyes at her. “I’m wounded.”

“I’ll give you wounded,” she muttered as she took the container from him.

Hux huffed a laugh and settled onto one of the island’s stools. “Oh, sorry, Da. We can move to the dining room if you’d prefer?”

“Are you implying that I am too old to sit on a glorified bar stool?” Brendol asked, his voice fondly gruff.

Hux smiled. “Well, it would seem that, despite my injuries, I have managed to get both feet into my mouth tonight.”

There was a quiet moment before Phasma and Brendol started laughing.

“Much better,” Hux said, before taking a drink of his beer. “And as I am injured, I expect the two of you to serve me.”

Phasma snorted, but finished dishing out their plates. 

“Careful, sir, it’s spicy,” she warned Brendol as she held out the salsa to him.

Brendol waved her off. “I’m fine. Let Armitage make a glutton of himself. He could clearly use it.”

Part of Hux wanted to be offended by his father’s remark; but he knew it came from a loving place, and it would be stupid to refuse extra portions of the salsa. He would not, however, stoop to making grabby hands at Phasma as she held the container of salsa _just_ out of his reach.

Phasma relented and gave him the container without helping herself to any. “I worked on that for a week,” she said, watching him spoon the salsa onto his tacos. 

“Did you try it yourself?” he asked.

“Not until after I tested it on a couple of sous chefs and Olivia’s nemesis.”

“Your girlfriend has a nemesis?” Hux asked.

“Well, that’s how she refers to him.”

“Hang on,” Hux said, lifting the taco. He devoured it, making happy noises as the flavors exploded on his tongue.

Phasma stared at him as he reached for his drink, absently licking the salsa off his thumb.

“What?” he asked.

She turned to Brendol, who was eating with far less gusto. “I am sorry that I facilitated you having to hear what I can only assume were a reasonable facsimile of your son’s sex noises.”

Brendol laughed. “Oh, my dear. We lived in base housing with thin walls for much of his adolescence. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Hux choked on his beer. “Jesus, Da!”

Brendol smiled and rubbed his son’s back. It was good to see Armitage behaving like a regular person. He’d been holding himself back too much for his father’s liking since he’d gotten out of the hospital.

“The salsa passes muster, then?” Phasma asked.

“I may demand a weekly supply.”

“As long as you keep doing your workouts and therapy.”

“Out of the military and still a taskmaster,” Hux laughed.

“I find there’s a lot of crossover between grunts and kitchen staff.”

“I hear your restaurant is still the talk of the town,” Brendol said.

Phasma’s smile was sharp. “I have a waiting list every night for the next six months.”

“And she still takes time to make me salsa,” Hux said, lifting another taco.

“Well, it was fun watching Kylo turn red. I think it may have been a little too hot for him,” Phasma said.

“Is Kylo O’s nemesis?” Hux asked.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Brendol scolded. “And call the young lady by her name.”

“Olivia doesn’t mind him calling her O. She feels it means she’s accepted,” Phasma explained.

Hux paused with a chip piled with salsa halfway to his mouth. “Of course I accept her. She makes you happy.”

Phasma blushed. “You sap.”

“You’re the one blushing,” Hux said, shrugging.

“Eat your dinner.”  
*****

“It’s nice to see Phasma so happy,” Brendol said later that evening, after Phasma had left. He and Hux were relaxing in Hux’s living room.

“Mm hm,” Hux replied, scratching between Millicent’s ears.

“I’d like to see you that happy.”

Hux paused and looked at his father. “I think happy may still be a long way off for me.”

“So long as you don’t give up.”

“Ah,” Hux said, sharply.

“What?”

“You think I should agree to the interrogation.”

“It’s an interview, Armitage,” Brendol corrected.

“They think I broke under interrogation and betrayed my men. They think I am responsible for the destruction of the base and the deaths of a dozen men. They call me _Starkiller_!” he shouted.

Millicent yowled and jumped off his lap.

“Dammit,” he muttered, burying his hands in his hair.

Brendol moved to sit beside his son, gently placing his hand on Hux’s knee. “But you didn’t.”

“They never even asked,” Hux whispered. “When they came to the hospital, they never asked me what happened. They came in and started asking why I had done it and what other information I had given up. Even if my jaw hadn’t been wired shut, I wouldn’t have answered them.”

“I’m sorry, son.”

“My whole life,” Hux gasped, tears starting to fall. “My whole life I’ve been loyal. And they paint me traitor without a thought.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have added the slow burn tag. They will finally meet in the next chapter, I promise.


	4. Jouska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Jouska:** A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s working title was, “Why does everyone want to go back to Jouska?” And it’s okay if you judge me for that and stop reading. Really, I won’t hold it against you.

Hux stared at his bedroom ceiling. His alarm had gone off ten minutes ago, but he’d been awake long before its rhythmic chirping began. His emotional breakdown the night before had exhausted him, but he had only managed a few hours of sleep before the nightmares came back. In the dark hours before dawn, he had scrabbled in his bedside drawer to find his mother’s rosary. He had run his fingers over the smooth beads for hours, trying to soothe his racing thoughts.

Hux had avoided going to church outside of Sunday services since he’d been released from hospital. The main reason was his reluctance to be among a large group of people; but he was also worried that he was being watched by investigators. He knew the latter was probably just paranoia; but considering how the military had allowed him to be thrown to the wolves in the media, he wouldn’t put it past them to use the fact that he would go to church outside of Sunday mass against him.

_What was he confessing to?_ The usual things he struggled with: being a gay man who was both a member of the military and Catholic. He desperately wished (and not for the first time) that his mother were still alive; not just because Fiona Armitage Hux was a bloody Force to Be Reckoned With, but because she would have gone to church with him. As much as he loved his father, Brendol Hux was a bit too pragmatic for faith in the Almighty.

Hux sighed and ran a hand over his face. He couldn’t go to the church this morning if he wanted to get to the gym at an early hour; which was his goal, as the gym seemed to be less sparsely populated at that time. If he didn’t go to the gym, Rey would _know_ , and he didn’t have it in him to disappoint her, too. With a groan, he pulled himself up into a sitting position. Millicent grumbled from her spot on his spare pillow. He had left the bedroom door open the night before and, once it became clear her human wasn’t going to be thrashing about anymore, she had curled up on “her” pillow. He smiled as she turned in her sleep, reinforcing his theory that she didn’t actually have any bones, or the positions she chose to sleep in would be painful, let alone uncomfortable. The fur on one side of her face was completely smooshed down, earning a raspy chuckle from Hux.

“Some days, Millie, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he whispered, running his fingers over the fur along her chin.

Millicent huffed and went back to sleep.

“Guess that means I can shower before feeding you, then,” he said, sliding his legs carefully from beneath the covers. 

He counted it a small victory when he managed to get out of the bed without fully waking the sleeping cat.

As he stood staring at his reflection while brushing his teeth, he wondered if it would be worth it to take a shower before going to the gym. Granted, he would _certainly_ need one after his workout, and a quick sniff test after finishing his teeth told him he wasn’t offensively smelly, but taming his hair back into a stubby ponytail would be easier if his hair were wet.

“Coward,” he snarled at his reflection. He knew what he was doing, taking his time making all these decisions; decisions that he didn’t really need to make. If he made too many decisions, he’d miss his window for his workout and have an excuse to stay home.

He quickly washed his face, glaring at the dark shadows beneath his eyes. 

“Clothes first,” he said to his reflection, an echo of his command voice haunting the words. He took comfort in that echo, as he took comfort in conforming to a new routine: teeth, face, clothes, hair, gym. Maybe a granola bar so he wouldn’t pass out from hunger.

He changed into workout clothes, making a mental note to order new ones, as he had to tightly tie the lightweight sweats at his waist to keep them from slipping down. He put on a worn t-shirt that clung to him when he moved. His trainers were well-broken in, and he winced slightly at the pull in his back as he tried to bend over to tie them. He gave up and sat down to tie them, realizing he’d have to ask Rey or Lando to add some flexibility work into his routine.

He returned to the bathroom to see about his hair. He ran a comb under the tap, then ran it through his hair until it was wet enough to slick back into a stubby pony tail. He hoped it would stay damp long enough to keep the shorter hairs near his face from falling out of the tie.

“Mrowr.”

“Yes, yes, I know. Brekkie for you and then I need to get to the gym,” Hux said, scooping Millicent up in his arms to walk into the kitchen.

“Mmmrow,” she agreed.

Hux gently set Millicent down next to her bowl, then quickly gave her her morning ration of food. He checked to make sure the water in her bowl was clean and at the right temperature (although, she would have been playing hockey with the bowl had it not been acceptable). He grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator, and checked his gym bag for his towel before throwing a few protein bars in with it. 

As he walked through his living room, he spotted the business card his father had left on the coffee table—contact information for Special Agent Forbes of Army Intelligence. He sneered at it, his fist tightening on the strap of his bag. He shook himself; he wouldn’t let them get into his head before he had to. Gym first, then sort out the rest of his damnable future.

Before he could lose his nerve, he shrugged on a hoodie, grabbed his iPod and phone, and let himself out of the apartment, locking up tight behind him.

He could do this.  
*****

Kylo was in a Mood. He knew it, and he was grateful that he wasn’t teaching any classes today, because he wasn’t sure he could keep a tight handle on it. He should have stayed later after dinner to further smooth things over with his mother. He really hadn’t meant the jab he had made at her; it had come to his tongue without thinking. Which was the point: he either thought too little or too much, and never the right one when the situation warranted it. He had managed to cajole a smile or two and, once, a full-bellied laugh, out his mother as dinner had progressed. Still, as he and Rey had playfully roughhoused while doing the dishes, he had seen the wistful look in his mother’s eyes.

He just…he had never been able to really get a handle on how to interact with his mother. He knew on a fundamental level that she loved him; as evidenced by her support after he almost killed a man. Even before that, he had warm memories of lazy afternoons in the kitchen and kisses to skinned knees; hugs of welcome and cuddles when the night was too scary. But there was so much about her that was exactly like him, and he didn’t know how to deal with _himself_ most days. 

He took solace in the fact that he wasn’t the only one who loved Leia Organa without truly understanding her. His _abuelo_ , Bail Organa, had told him that, even before her military service caused her (what Bail referred to as _breathtaking_ ) PTSD, there had been a fire in her that he didn’t know how to contain without smothering it. He had never wanted to destroy his adopted daughter’s passion, but he had often struggled with finding the right balance. Bail confessed that Breha had always been able to soothe Leia more easily, but her death when Leia was five had left him bereft and a bit adrift. He had done the best he could, but admitted there was too much of her biological father (a man whom Bail had known and, sadly, witnessed fall into shock-related madness) in her for him to temper on his own. 

Kylo groaned in frustration at the early-morning traffic. He just wanted to get to the gym, beat the hell out of a punching bag, and maybe find someone to work on some staff forms with him. If memory served him correctly, today was Rey’s day off, so she might be in the gym and interested in sparring with him; for no other reason than to work off her own tension over the previous night’s dinner. If not, he could run on the treadmill until he thought his lungs would bleed. It had worked for him in the past; he could make it work today.

He barely took notice of the few people working out. He did, however, notice Rey, who on a treadmill, trying not to be obvious about keeping an eye on the door. 

“Come spar with me,” he said as he reached her treadmill.

“I’m waiting for someone.”

Kylo lifted a brow. “Really? And here I thought you were trapped in constant, unspoken pining with Dameron.”

Rey missed a step, but quickly recovered before falling off the treadmill. “You’re an asshole.”

Kylo nodded. “This is not new information. Come on, spar with me,” he said, holding on to the rail of the treadmill and leaning back.

“Now, you’re a whiny asshole. No, wait, still not new information,” she replied. She did, however, hit the cool-down button on the treadmill.

Kylo smirked. “I’ll meet you on the mats. I have a surprise for us back in Lando’s office.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be there in three minutes.”

Kylo headed back to Lando’s office, stopping first in the locker room to drop off his bag. He smiled as he pulled the two staffs from behind the coat rack in Lando’s office. He had had them made especially for him and Rey. He couldn’t wait to get her on the mat so they could try their level best to beat the hell out of each other with them.

Rey was stretching when Kylo entered the room with the mats and boxing ring. Two of Eliza’s co-workers were getting in an early morning round of boxing. Kylo took note of their terrible footwork and made a mental note to talk to Eliza about getting them in for some proper training with Cassian.

“Oh, you did _not_!” Rey exclaimed, gleeful. She hopped to her feet and hurried to him, making grabby hands at the staffs.

Kylo easily tossed one to her. She caught it handily and he watched with pride as she quickly moved through a few forms he had taught her, testing the weight.

“This is beautiful,” Rey said, spinning it.

“I thought you would like it,” Kylo replied, limbering up with his own staff.

She slung the staff across her shoulders and looped her wrists over it. “It’s good to have a brother who’s a successful author.”

Kylo blushed. “It’s a living.”

“Stunning as they are, you didn’t blow your entire advance, did you?”

“Of course not. I socked plenty of it away into the alcohol and junk food fund.”

“ _That’s_ the brother I know and love,” she said, swinging the staff off her shoulders.

“Are you ready?”

“I was born ready.”

“You were born three weeks late,” Kylo said, stepping onto the mat.

“Because I needed the time _to be ready._ ”

Kylo grinned as he blocked her opening salvo. _This_ was what he had needed.  
*****

Hux was slightly surprised that Rey was not waiting for him in the main area of the gym when he arrived. He also let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. This was going to be his first strenuous activity since his release from the hospital. While he was not expecting it to be the special, horrific hell that physical therapy had been, he still wasn’t sure he wanted her to see him that weak again. He made his way to the locker room, carefully assessing the people already at the gym—three men and two women—to see if they paid him any special mind; they didn’t. He locked his gym bag away, took a deep breath, and headed back out with his water bottle, iPod, and towel. 

He made his way over to one of the treadmills; he would start with some walking, maybe work up to a jog. A small smile touched his lips as he walked past the ellipticals. Rey had confessed that she had fallen off the first time she had tried one, and her recounting of the story had included flailing limbs. He might have to try it out later; if only to smugly point out he had conquered the machine on his first try.

He started himself out at a brisk walk, adjusting the volume on his music so he could still hear the sound of the people working out around him. He would look around every once in a while, just to be sure that everyone was where he expected him to be. After a mile, he stepped up the pace, moving to a light jog. He would only do a half mile. If he could jog a half mile without his lungs trying to tear themselves out of his chest or his knee deciding that, nope, fuck him, it was done; then he would feel good calling it a day for his legs.  
*****

“Nerf herder!” Rey shouted as she barely dodged a swipe to her feet.

Kylo laughed, breathless with joy and exertion. “Oh, please, if you didn’t know that one was coming, you are very much slipping.”

Rey spun her staff in a complicated pattern. “You know Eliza is never going to let you live it down if those guys report back to her that I wiped the mat with you.”

Kylo was aware that the men sparring in the boxing ring had given up several minutes ago to watch him and Rey. “She’ll also have my head if I win. Picking on my poor, defenseless, baby sister like that.”

“So it’s a lose-lose for you, then.”

Kylo caught the back of her ankle with the end of his staff, flipping her onto her bottom. “I’ve lost worse.”

Rey glared at him a second before she started laughing. She held out her hand to him, imperiously demanding he help her up. Kylo obliged, lifting her and spinning her around.

“Put me down, or I’m telling Olivia you were cruel and merciless!” Rey said, slapping his shoulder.

“That’s not really a threat, you’ll do that anyway,” he said, setting her on her feet.

“True. Best two out of three? You do owe me for coming to your rescue last night,” she stated, picking up her staff.

Kylo glared. He had _just_ started getting out of his mood, and she had to go and remind him of the dinner. 

“I thought you were waiting for someone,” he said.

“Shit!” Rey exclaimed. 

She hurried over to the door, looking through the glass to see Hux moving at a light jog on the treadmill.

“Yes!” she said, triumphantly. “Oh, I’m so glad he’s here.”

“That guy?” Kylo asked from behind her, incredulous. He couldn’t believe Rey wanted to spend time with a skinny-looking ginger, rather than him.

“Yep,” she replied, opening the door and moving into the main room.

“Really? All this excitement for a glorified gym bunny?”

Rey punched him in the arm—hard. “ _Try_ to be less of a massive dick. And go find someone else to play with.”

“Rey,” Kylo began, wanting to apologize.

“Later, _Ben_.”

Kylo grit his teeth, but went back inside to work the heavy bag for a bit. He didn’t want to watch Rey flirting.  
*****

Via one of the mirrors, Hux had seen Rey come through the door, a smile on her face. He nearly missed a step as he caught a glimpse of the man who followed closely behind her. The man was _solid_ ; tall and thick and broad and…everything Hux would have wanted in a man, a lifetime ago. This was bad; this was very—

“…glorified gym bunny?”

_Oh. Well, fuck him, then,_ Hux thought, stabbing the button on the treadmill to increase his pace. Hopefully, the loud hum of the machine would drown out anything else the ridiculously attractive man had to say. _Why did I even bother looking? I can’t afford new people in my life. I could be in prison in a few months. No, not my fault. Fuck him. **Fuck. Him.**_

As his lungs began to burn and his knee protested it was bionic, not a miracle, Hux thought that maybe this had not been his best idea ever.

“Hux!”

Hux jolted, catching himself on the railings and pulling his feet to the sides of the treadmill as he realized Rey had been trying to get attention. He hit the emergency stop button and glared at her.

“What?” he sneered.

Rey had become very good at not flinching when people snapped at her; it was one of the many things that made her such an in-demand therapist. Still, she inwardly winced at Hux’s tone. Something had made him revert to the sullen man he’d been when she had first started working with him.

“Didn’t mean to break into your workout, but you seemed to be hammering that poor knee a bit hard,” she said.

“Are you going to beat me with the naughty stick?” he asked, nodding at the staff in her hands.

“Yes, because we know I’m quite fond of beating a man when he’s down,” she snarked back.

Hux let out a short, hollow laugh. “I’m not down, yet, Rey. You’ll have to wait a few months for that. Though I’m not sure what Leavenworth’s visiting policy is for traitors,” he said, grabbing his towel to give the equipment a quick wipe.

“What? What’s happened?”

Hux brushed past her. “Don’t worry, Rey. I’m sure it won’t reflect poorly on you or your uncle’s gym. What’s one less gym bunny, right?” he said, angrily cutting himself off. He hadn’t realized it had gotten to him _quite_ that badly.

“Hux, wait!” Rey said, putting her hand on his arm.

He shook her off. “Leave off, Rey. I’m not worth it.”

Rey stared after him as he headed to the locker room, too shocked to stop him.  
*****

Hux growled as he closed his front door behind him. He could tell from the sounds coming from the kitchen that someone was in his house. 

“Did Rey call you, tattling that I was mean to her?” Hux asked, entering his kitchen to find Phasma going through his fridge.

“Rey called, and said something had spooked you at the gym and that, perhaps, I might be better equipped to handle it,” Phasma replied, her tone just this side of icy. She closed the door and leaned back against the stainless steel refrigerator.

“I overdid it, that’s all. I’ll just take a hot shower and some medication and—” he cut himself off as Phasma set Forbes’ card on the island.

Phasma winced at the audible _click_ of Hux’s jaw clenching shut. “Did you talk to him this morning?”

“Yes, Phasma. I overdid it on the treadmill because I was trying to run from the charges Forbes is going to try to help lay against me.”

“Liar,” she said. They had been friends for years, and while she still couldn’t identify his tells in a poker game, she did know when he was lying to her.

“Come on, Phasma. You know what I’m looking at; I need to be in shape to flee for my life. Or fight for it in prison.”

“Just stop it, Hux. Stop deflecting and tell me what really happened. Don’t make me withhold my cooking.”

Hux put his hand to his chest. “Why Phasma, are you saying you would use food to keep me from fleeing the long arm of the law?”

“Hux. Darling. Best friend of mine, and the only light of my life I love as much as Olivia.”

Hux made a face.

“That is not what I am saying. I am saying I will use food to get you to tell me the truth.”

“You realize that you didn’t explicitly say you’d stop me from running?” he asked.

Phasma shrugged. “You can’t run away forever. But there’s nothing wrong with getting a good head start.”

Hux tilted his head to the side. “Did you just quote Meat Loaf at me?”

“That depends…are you admitting you recognized Meat Loaf lyrics?”

“I…am not.”

“Then I did not quote Meat Loaf at you.”

Hux chuckled and gingerly settled himself onto one of the bar stools. Phasma retrieved a bottle of Gatorade from the fridge and handed it to him.

“Thanks,” he said, opening it.

“You’re welcome. Now, tell me what really happened.”

Hux took a long drink, blushing as he thought back over his morning. “In retrospect, it is rather stupid.”

Phasma reached over and took his hand in hers. “If it upset you to the point that you tossed aside good sense and threatened to undo Rey’s hard work, then it is _not_ stupid.”

Hux took a deep breath. “Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”  
*****

“You don’t have an appointment,” Jessika said as Kylo entered the shop.

“Disagreement with Rey,” he explained, flopping onto the leather sofa behind the reception desk.

“With Rey or with everyone?” Jess asked, idly sketching out a tattoo for Olivia. When Kylo took too long to answer, she turned her chair to look at him. “That bad, huh?”

Kylo groaned theatrically and rubbed his hand over his face. “I upset my mother before dinner, but Rey and Dad helped me smooth it over.”

“Sounds pretty standard for an Organa-Solo family dinner. Nothing that would lead you to darken my doorstep.”

“That hurts, Jess. I don’t just come to you when I’ve screwed up.”

“Nope. Sometimes you come to me when you have money.”

“You are a terrible person. Why are we friends?”

“Because we’re both terrible people,” she replied. 

Jess checked her schedule quickly; she didn’t have anything booked for an hour, and any walk-ins could be handled by Karé.

“Karé!”

“Yeah, boss?” Karé Kun replied, coming out of the room where she had been cleaning her tools. Her blonde mohawk shone in the lights of the shop.

“You’ve got the door. Kylo here needs some hand-holding,” Jess said.

“Got it. Hey, Kylo.”

“Hey,” Kylo replied, standing up to follow Jess down the hall.

As soon as they were in the private room, Kylo flopped into Jess’ ancient—and supremely comfortable—armchair.

“So, what did you do?” Jess asked, making herself comfortable on a chaise lounge that allowed her to see out into the shop.

“I was in a mood and I may have said something that upset one of Rey’s friends. Which, in turn, upset Rey.”

“Who did you insult?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t actually meet him. Some ginger guy who—”

“Oh, no,” Jess breathed.

“What?”

The front door of the shop slammed open.

“ _Where_ is that overgrown bastard?” Phasma demanded.

“Run. Run very fast. Run all the way to Wakanda,” Jess said, trying to shove the massive bulk that was her best friend toward the back exit.

“Fictional country,” Kylo said.

“Might be the only place far enough.”

“Why? I’m not afraid of your Amazonian sister-in-law.”

“Not my sister-in-law yet, and yes, yes, you are.”

“ _There_ you are, you son of a bitch,” Phasma said, advancing on them.

“Oh, you’re a dead man,” Jess said. She neatly sidestepped away from Kylo.

“What? Augh!” Kylo shouted, shortly after Phasma’s fist had plowed into his face.

Jess gave a stunned-looking Karé a quick wave before shutting the door, in the hopes it would muffle what was certain to be a spectacular row.


	5. Hanker Sore (Hux)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren tries to apologize to Hux. Hux tries not to notice that he finds Ren unfairly attractive. The results are a mixed bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hanker Sore:** Finding a person so attractive it actually kinda pisses you off.

Hux startled at the blare of the intercom. In the entire time he’d lived here, he’d never had cause to use it; his father, Phasma, and Rey were all known to the doorman, and had permission to come and go as they pleased.

The intercom blared again.

“Yes?” Hux asked, holding down the button.

“There is a gentleman down here requesting admittance. He says he’s Rey Solo’s brother,” the doorman replied.

Hux had a moment of panic—had something happened to Rey?

“Should I allow him up?”

Hux bit back the automatic response of, “It’s Dr. Solo,” as he thought the situation through. Rey might have sent her brother to him for some reason. Still, she hadn’t called to warn Hux, and reporters had used tricks to try to access his hospital room.

“Sir?”

“Have you checked his I.D.?”

“Of course, sir,” the doorman replied, sounding slightly affronted.

“Of course you have,” Hux said, placating. “Please, allow Mr. Solo up.”

He heard the doorman—and he really needed to learn the man’s name—tell Rey’s brother he could come up before the intercom clicked off.

Hux sighed and ran a hand through his hair while he waited. He wasn’t exactly dressed for welcoming visitors, but his mother had always told him that unannounced guests got what they deserved for not bothering with the courtesy of calling ahead.

There was a sharp, but strangely hesitant, knock at the door.

Hux cursed himself as he opened the door a few inches and saw the man from the gym standing in the hall.

“No, wait!” the man said, catching the door with his foot as Hux tried to slam it shut.

“Get out!” Hux shouted. He kicked the man in the shin hard, but the fact that he was in his socks meant it probably hurt him more than it did the man. It was enough to shock the man into withdrawing his foot.

“Please, wait! I came to apologize!”

“I’m going to call the police,” Hux yelled back through the door, throwing the deadbolt and putting the chain on.

“Okay, that’s fair. But, look, I really am Rey’s brother, and I really am sorry. I’m going to hold my I.D. up to the spy hole, okay?”

Hux kept his hand on the deadbolt, but leaned over to look through the spy hole. “That’s expired,” he said, reading the information.

“Yeah, it’s before I, uh, changed my name. It’s a long story. Look, Phasma wanted to come with me, but I thought my apology would come across as more genuine if she wasn’t looming over me.”

Hux unlocked the door, but left the chain on as he opened it. “You know Phasma?”

The man pointed to the developing shiner on his left eye. “Yes.”

Hux looked him up and down. “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“Your phone. If Rey is really your sister, she’ll be in your phone.”

The man dug in his back pocket and pulled out his phone, handing it through the opening in the doorway.

Hux took the phone and quickly closed the door. He scrolled through the R contacts and didn’t find Rey’s name.

“She’s not in here,” Hux said through the door.

“Look under S,” came the reply.

Hux’s finger hovered over ‘Slavedriver’, as he had often, cruelly, called Rey that during the early days of his therapy, but he quickly decided the next entry was probably the correct one. He pressed it with his thumb before lifting the phone to his ear.

“Kylo? Where the hell are you?”

“His I.D. says his name is Ben,” Hux said. 

Rey sighed. “That was his name. He changed it. He’s there, then?”

“He’s outside my door. Apparently, Phasma sent him to apologize.”

“Did she hit him first?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Let him apologize, Hux. He’s an asshole, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t also a good man.”

Hux sighed. He could almost hear Rey roll her eyes in response.

“At least let him in the door, Hux. You don’t want the neighbors to start talking, do you?” she asked.

“I’m not even sure I have neighbors.”

“Oh, don’t be so stubborn! Let him in and let him grovel. His groveling is rather excellent, when he puts his mind to it.”

Hux smirked. “Fine. He can come in for five minutes to grovel.”

“That’s all I ask.”

“Oh, and Rey?”

“Yes?”

“Did you know he has you filed under ‘Squirt’ in his phone?”

Rey squawked. “If you don’t kill him, I will,” she assured him.

Hux chuckled and ended the call, before taking a moment to turn the phone completely off. He took the chain off the door and opened it, finding Solo standing a respectable distance back from the door.

“Well, did I pass?” he asked.

“Rey bought you five minutes,” Hux replied, stepping back so the other man could enter the apartment.

Solo stood a few feet away from him in the entryway, in Hux’s line of sight as he re-engaged the locks on his door before turning to Solo.

“I’d like to see your real I.D. now,” Hux said, holding out his right hand. Solo’s phone was still clutched in his left.

Solo gave him his whole wallet.

Hux raised an eyebrow.

“So you can compare the name on my license to the name on all the cards in there,” Solo explained.

Hux set the man’s phone into the bowl on the stand inside the door, so he could go through the wallet with both hands. 

“Kylo Ren,” he said, reading the license. “Kylo--why is that familiar?”

Ren paled. 

“Wait, Peggy mentioned you.”

Ren sighed. “Yeah, I don’t just make stupid remarks about people; I also work at the gym. Although, that may change when Uncle Lando hears about this,” he said, running his hand through his hair.

“You’re Lando’s volatile nephew?”

“I’ve been called worse, but yeah.”

Hux dropped the wallet in the bowl with Ren’s phone. “Empty your pockets.” 

This man might be Rey’s brother and related to Lando, but Hux wasn’t taking any chances. For all he knew, Ren had debts and was using family connections to get an interview he could sell to the tabloids. Or Forbes had found him and put it into Ren’s head that getting dirt on Hux would protect Ren’s sister.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Empty your pockets,” Hux repeated, slowly.

“Okay,” Ren replied, drawing out the word.

“I want to be sure you don’t have anything to record me or take pictures with,” Hux explained.

“Why would I? I’ve already seen you looking terrible.”

Hux raised an eyebrow—and it felt _so good_ to do that again. “Really? That’s how you want to begin your apology?”

Ren help up his hands. “No, it’s not. Sorry. I’m sorry. I just have no idea why you’d be worried about me taking pictures.”

“Do you not keep up with the news?”

“Um, not really? My mom’s side of the family is kind of political, so I hear enough during family gatherings that I try to stay away from it otherwise,” Ren explained, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I don’t know if I should be offended or relieved that you don’t know who I am.” _Offended, definitely offended. Offended by this uninformed brute who is far too attractive for my own good_ , he thought.

“Oh, shit. Phasma said you were a war vet. Are you some kind of general or something? Shit, have I offended the youngest general in the army? Are SEALs gonna invade my home and kill me?”

Hux couldn’t help but laugh at the man’s sudden onset of nerves. “SEALs are Navy, not Army.”

“I know that,” Ren said, frowning at the balled up paper he had just pulled out of the pocket of his leather jacket. “I’ll need that back,” he said, handing it to Hux.

Hux barely glanced at it before putting it with Ren’s phone and wallet.

“I just thought the SEALs might come so no one knew I was dead because I’d insulted you,” Ren explained, turning his pockets inside out to show they were empty. “Satisfied?”

“Hardly, but it’ll do for now,” Hux said. He almost bit his tongue; where the _fuck_ had that flirting tone come from? He shook his head. He hadn’t eaten anything since he had returned from the gym; clearly, the hunger and dehydration were affecting him. _Keep it together, Hux._

Ren coughed, noting that he had lost Hux’s attention. “Does that mean I don’t have to worry about Special Forces lurking outside my door?”

Hux huffed a laugh. “Oh, if only you knew how absurd it is to think Special Forces would be trying to avenge _my_ honor.”

“Well, I am a fan of the absurd,” Ren said, shoving his hands in his back pockets, and rocking back on his heels.

“You’d have to be, with that haircut,” Hux snarked. He immediately winced; why was he reacting to Ren with hostility? He may be distractingly attractive, but that was no reason to be so rude about his apology. Oh, right, because he reacted to pretty much _everything_ with hostility these days.

Ren rolled his eyes upward. “I suppose I could use a trim.”

“It was in a man-bun earlier,” Hux stated, folding his arms over his chest.

“ _You_ had a stubby ponytail!”

“I have issues about letting sharp items near my neck!”

Ren looked taken aback; he hadn’t realized how on edge the other man was. “Aw, shit, man,” he said, running a hand over his face. “Look, I really am sorry. And not just because Phasma hit me.”

Hux shrugged, wincing as it pulled at his bad shoulder. He should just accept Ren’s apology and send the man on his way. He’d relent and take a painkiller, then take a hot shower to ease the pain away.

“You okay?” Ren asked.

“I may have overdone it at the gym.”

“Jesus fuck, I’m sorry.” Ren took a deep breath. “I have…some anger issues. I was frustrated with Rey—over something profoundly stupid—and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I say a lot of stupid things, especially when I’m wound up.”

“That seems like a character flaw for an instructor.”

“It’s a bit hard to get wound up about yoga,” Ren stated, a half-smile on his lips.

Hux tried not to be disarmed by the smile. “Lando said you were responsible for some of the more…combative forms of training. I can’t imagine it’s good form to humiliate or incapacitate your students, just because you’re in a mood.”

“I usually get my aggression out sparring with people I know. I _don’t_ take it out on students,” Ren protested.

“You seemed willing to take it out on me earlier,” Hux snapped, shifting his weight as his knee protested. He lifted his hand to rub at his bad shoulder.

“You aren’t my—oh, for God’s sake, would you invite me into a room where you can sit down? Watching you stand there in pain is making me tense.”

Hux paused in his movement. “I beg your pardon?”

Ren gave a frustrated sigh, pushing his hands through his hair. “Look, I just came to apologize. Clearly, my being here is causing you problems. So you can either invite me in, sit down, and listen while I try to get this apology _right_ ; or you can ask me to leave and take the apology as-is.”

Hux stared at him for a moment, assessing Ren’s offer, and assessing his own reactions to the man. “My living room is through there,” he said, pointing. 

Ren nodded and walked into the room, keeping a good distance between him and Hux as he passed the other man. 

“Who do you know?” Hux asked as he sat down.

“I’m sorry?”

“You’ve kept your physical distance and you chose a seat that didn’t block my egress from the room. So, who do you know with PTSD?”

“We have several veterans who come to the gym; I work with some of them.”

Hux tilted his head, observing him closely. “I see. It’s a relative. I can understand wanting to keep it personal. I apologize for asking.”

Ren shook his head. 

“What?”

“It’s just…I came here to apologize, and I’ve spent several minutes mangling it badly, and you manage to give a sincere one within seconds of asking an inappropriate question.”

Hux shrugged, rubbing his shoulder. “My mother insisted on proper manners. She believed the only way to truly eviscerate someone was by using their own mores and customs against them.”

“She sounds fascinating.”

“She was,” Hux said, smiling a little.

They sat in silence for a few moments, Hux absently rubbing his shoulder and remembering his mother as Ren observed him.

“When you’re ready, I know a great masseuse who could really help you out with that,” Ren said.

“Oh. Um, thank you?”

Ren waved a hand. “Think nothing of it; it’s my way of apologizing to you for my massive fuckuppery.”

“‘Fuckuppery’?” Hux quoted, eyebrow raised.

“You’re about to tell me that your mother insisted on using actual, accepted words, too, aren’t you?”

“Actually, my mother was quite well known for being creative in her profanity. She would have loved ‘fuckuppery’.”

“I’m sorry I won’t get to meet her; I think we could have had fun creating profanity together.”

Hux’s gaze narrowed. “How do you know she’s dead?”

“The way you talk about her. And I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t be here with Phasma and Rey, creating some sort of magnificent unholy triumvirate of protection.”

“You know, she would have really liked your sister. You, not so much.”

“That’s fair. I made a shitty first impression. Do you think your mother would have given me a chance to make it up to her?” Ren asked, dipping his head to look up at Hux from beneath his lashes.

“That’s a trick question. If I say yes, then I’m dishonoring her memory if I don’t do it. If I say no, I’m lying about my mother.”

“What if I let you use creative profanity against me whenever you want?” Ren suggested.

Hux chuckled. “I’ll think about it.”

“Great!” Ren exclaimed, and Hux was reminded of an excited puppy.

“That isn’t a yes.”

“It isn’t a no, either. I’m taking it as a win.”

Hux sighed and leaned back against the cushions of the couch.

“You’re tired, I should go,” Ren said, rising.

Hux stood as well, albeit more slowly and with a grimace.

“Take a hot shower, and then lie down for a bit. Switch off heat and ice if the pain persists,” Ren said, watching him.

“I’ll even take a painkiller, if necessary.”

Hux followed Ren to the door, studiously not looking at how the man’s skinny jeans fit his ass. He watched as Ren collected his phone, wallet and the balled-up paper from the bowl.

“What’s on the paper?” Hux asked.

“Just some ideas I had for a character.”

“You’re a writer,” Hux stated, immediately becoming suspicious again.

“Fiction only. I made the notes a few days ago while I was talking with my friend, Jess. You can read them, if you want,” Ren said, uncrumpling the paper and holding it out.

Hux waved a hand. “That’s all right. I suppose I can trust you…to a certain extent.”

“Good. I take it I can tell Rey that you accepted my apology? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but she’s kind of terrifying. Being on her bad side will make family dinners even more uncomfortable than they usually are.”

“Your apology is accepted,” Hux said, graciously.

Ren snorted. “And, um, would you tell Phasma that, as well? It will make my life easier if I can visit my favorite tattoo shop without fearing for my life.”

Hux’s brain froze; he had always been a sucker for tattoos.

“Sure. Yes. I will call her,” Hux said, recovering. He checked his watch. “Actually, she’ll probably be by for an early dinner in a while; I’ll tell her then. She’ll want to see my face when I tell her.”

“Does she do the human lie detector thing on you, too?”

Hux nodded. “Our entire friendship.”

“You are a very brave man,” Ren said, solemnly.

“Careful, Ren, I may start to like you.”

“Well, we can’t have that. Your mother would be appalled,” Ren said, opening the door. 

“Yes, we can’t have that.”

Ren stepped outside and pulled the door shut.

Hux stared, confused. He smiled when there was a knock at the door. He checked the spy hole—just to be sure—and opened the door.

“Hi, I’m Kylo Ren, Rey’s brother. I saw you at the gym earlier, but didn’t get a chance to properly introduce myself,” Ren said, holding out his hand.

Hux chuckled, but took the extended hand in a firm handshake. “Nice to meet you, Ren. I’m sure we’ll see a lot of each other at the gym.”

Ren squeezed his hand one last time before letting go. “Oh, you can count on it.” 

Hux tried desperately to fight down the blush, but knew he had failed when Ren’s grin widened.

“Don’t forget to lock up, Hux,” Ren said.

“I won’t.”

They stood staring at each other.

“You’re not going to leave until I close the door and you hear it lock, are you?” Hux asked.

“Would you?”

“Good-bye, Ren,” Hux said, closing the door.

“Good-bye for now!” Ren corrected as Hux engaged the locks.

Hux chuckled and leaned his forehead against the door, unsure if he should be grateful to Phasma, or upset with her. Ren was certainly a complication; an intricate, hitting-all-his-buttons complication, and it wasn’t as though he could avoid him. Part of him wished Phasma had just let him stew and work through it on his own; but a larger part of him _really_ wanted to know what tattoos were hiding under Ren’s clothing.

“Damn it,” he muttered.


	6. Hanker Sore (Ren)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo returns home after apologizing to Hux; but his day is not over. Neither is Hux's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Hanker Sore:** Finding a person so attractive it actually kinda pisses you off.

Kylo startled slightly as his front door opened before he had a chance to unlock it. He glared half-heartedly at Rey, who stood holding the door open. One of these days, he was going to have to show Poe Dameron how thoroughly unimpressed he was that the man had taught his baby sister how to pick locks. The fact that Poe was also the one who had taught _him_ how to pick locks was irrelevant.

“Why are you in my house?” he asked.

Rey leaned against the doorframe, crossing her arms over her chest. “You need to know the password to enter.”

“It’s _my house_.”

“And you were a total shit today. You need to prove you’ve learned your lesson.”

“Learned my—I am going to be so pissed if the password is ‘I’m sorry.’”

Rey threw the door wide open, a brilliant grin on her face. “You can come in!”

Kylo groaned. “For the record, that’s a pass phrase, not a pass _word_ ,” he said, marching past her. He stopped dead when he saw the number of people gathered in his kitchen and living room.

“Why is a cocktail party happening in my house?” he asked Rey.

“Well, Phasma insisted on coming over to wait for you, so she could look you in the eye, and be sure you had done right by Hux,” Rey explained. 

“That doesn’t explain Olivia, Finn and—oof!”

“BIG BB!!” 

Kylo quickly recovered and picked up the little girl, who was dressed in overalls and had a smear of chocolate on her cheek.

“Lil BB!” he replied, happily, settling her on his hip. “ _Who_ is responsible for these pigtails?”

“Daddy. I helped!” she said, reaching her hands up to hold her bright red pigtails; one of which was just behind her ear, the other up near the part at the top of her head.

“To be fair, I was trying to pull them down out of the top-knot Olivia had put her hair in,” Poe said, coming out of the kitchen and handing Kylo a drink.

“Why did you put it in a top knot?” Kylo asked Olivia.

Olivia shrugged. “She likes Karé’s mohawk. I was pulling it up to see if it was long enough to give her one of her own.”

“It is not long enough. It will never be long enough. Not until she’s at least thirteen,” Poe said to her.

Olivia made a face at him as she settled on the sofa next to Phasma, who was glaring at Kylo.

“Daaaady,” BB protested.

“Nooooo opinions from the peanut gallery,” he said, booping her nose before taking her from Kylo.

“Have a seat,” Rey said to Kylo, patting the space beside her on the love seat.

“This feels suspiciously like an intervention,” Kylo replied.

“ _Told_ you!” Finn said, smacking Jess on the arm. The duo was still in the kitchen, leaning on the breakfast bar.

“Ow! Why are you hitting me? I tried to talk everyone out of this,” Jess asked, scowling.

“She did, actually,” Rey explained to Kylo. “But I didn’t want to leave you alone with Phasma, and Olivia insisted she would be a calming influence on Phasma.”

Finn snorted, causing Jess to smack him.

“Exactly. Which meant I had to come along, and then it was just easier for Poe to pick BB up here,” Rey finished.

“And Finn?” Kylo asked.

“I called him for reinforcements,” Jess piped up. She paused for a moment to consider. “That was a mistake,” she admitted.

Kylo groaned and flopped down on the love seat. He set his drink on the coffee table before running his hands over his face. “What is it going to take to get all of you out of my home?”

“I don’t know about these yahoos, but I want an assurance that you’ve apologized to Hux _and_ that you haven’t set his recovery back,” Phasma demanded.

“Who’s Hux?” Poe asked, only half paying attention. BB was doing her very best impression of a free climber, pulling herself up his body.

Phasma turned to glare at him. “You need to leave. Now.”

Kylo hid a smile as Poe froze, confusion on his face. People usually liked Poe; they certainly didn’t order him out of a place he had more right to than they did.

“Poe, you should be getting Binx home; she had a busy day,” Jess said, pushing Finn out of the kitchen in front of her.

She guided both men, and an enthusiastically waving BB, into their coats and out of the house. 

“Jess could have stayed,” Phasma said, once the others had left. “ _Her_ I like.”

“This way it’s more balanced,” Olivia replied, patting her on the knee.

“I’m pretty sure Rey would be on your side, if push came to shove,” Kylo commented.

Rey looked like she was seriously thinking about it. “That is not an inaccurate statement.”

“Well, Ren?” Phasma prompted.

Kylo met her gaze. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right: no fear.

Phasma lifted a platinum eyebrow, a dangerous glint in her eye.

 _Okay_ , some _fear_ , he thought. “It went…well.”

“That would have been far more believable without the pause,” Olivia said.

“Chill, O,” Rey said.

Kylo envied his sister her bravery; Olivia was almost as terrifying as her girlfriend. “We got off to a rocky start—totally my fault,” he admitted. “I didn’t understand his level of paranoia when I showed up. Rey managed to convince him I was worth letting in. We talked; I apologized—badly, and then well. We left on good terms.” He paused and raised an eyebrow at her. “He said he’d let you know what happened.”

Phasma snorted. “I got a text from him saying, and I quote, ‘Everything is okay. Don’t hurt him.’ That didn’t necessarily mean it went well; just that he didn’t want me facing an assault charge.”

“The two of you have a very strange friendship.”

“ _You_ don’t get to comment on our friendship.”

Kylo sat back, his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “That’s fair.” He lowered his hands. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“You seem to say a lot of things you ‘don’t mean anything’ by,” Phasma replied.

He ran this hand through his hair. “You’re right. And I’m working on that. It’s something I’ve been working on for years. I’m not going to get it right overnight; I may never get it right. But I’m _trying_ _.”_

_Phasma stared at him for a few, long moments, before finally nodding. “Okay.”_

_Part of Kylo really wanted to repeat the word back to her, incredulous. Okay? Okay? I get punched in the face and then interrogated in my own home and ‘okay’ is all I get?_ Thankfully, the rational part of his brain won out, and he held his tongue.

“Come on, we have time to go see Hux before the dinner rush,” Olivia said, standing.

“I’ll walk you out,” Rey offered.

Kylo leaned his head against the back of the sofa, closing his eyes.

“Sorry about the ambush,” Rey replied, settling onto the arm of the sofa across from him.

He rolled his head to look at her. “A little warning would have been nice.”

“It was all I could do to keep O from calling Eliza.”

“Shit, not Eliza,” Kylo groaned. All of Lando’s daughters were terrifying in their own right, but Eliza was a special kind of scary.

Rey nodded. “I had your back, brother-mine.”

Kylo chuckled.

“How did it _really_ go?” she asked.

He shrugged. “As I said. Except…”

“Except?”

“It was, I had a moment—I mean, have you _seen_ his mouth?”

Rey let out a sound caught somewhere between a gasp and a choked laugh. “Yes, I have seen his mouth.”

Kylo shook his head. “You’ve seen it, but if you’d _seen_ it, you’d know.”

“One, he was my patient. And two, he was kind of a dick at first. Which, upon thinking about it, it makes sense that you would find him hot.”

Kylo smirked at her. 

“What?” she asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Maybe you didn’t realize how attractive he is because he pales—literally—beside the object of your affection.”

“I hate you. _So much_.”

“That’s fair,” he conceded.

She shook her head quickly. “Don’t try to distract me. We’re talking about you and your unnatural bendiness when it comes to shoving your enormous feet into your mouth.”

“My feet are perfectly proportionate to my height. As a medical professional, you should know that.”

“Oh my gods, did you _look that up_?” Rey fairly shouted.

“It was late and I was down the research rabbit hole,” he admitted.

“Does that mean you’ve started on—no, wait, we are talking about Hux. Specifically, we are talking about Hux and _you_ being an asshole to him.”

“I apologized to him! I may have initially fucked it up, but by the end, he had accepted it. And I think…we may be on some solid footing.”

Rey studied him before nodding. “Good. Because…”

Kylo waited for a few minutes, familiar with Rey’s method of processing. But he had his limits. “Because?” he prompted.

“Because he is a good man. I like him a lot. I’ll admit, don’t know that we’d have become friends if I’d met him outside of work. I mean, I probably would have met him eventually through Olivia and Phasma. Or not, because if I hadn’t met him at the hospital, I wouldn’t know what happened, and he might not even—”

“Rey,” Kylo said softly. 

She paused and looked at him.

“You’re rambling. Just breathe.”

“What did you really think of him?” she asked.

“Rey, I’ve spent maybe 20 minutes with him.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Remember how we’ve talked about there being a time and a place for you to be intentionally dense? This is not one of those times.”

Kylo nodded. He had hoped to have more time to process and unpack his encounter with Hux but, like with most things in his life, it had not gone according to plan.

“Kylo?” Rey prompted.

“There is…something about him. But I can’t put my finger on it. I think because I find him so attractive that it’s distracting. Which is infuriating.”

Rey let out a surprised chuckle. 

“Stop it.”

“Sorry. I was just expecting your usual grumpy evaluation. I wasn’t expecting something so…deep.”

“He’s so attractive that I kind of want to punch his face. That’s not deep.”

“Agreed; that sentiment is 100% Kylo. But you said there was something about him— _that_ was the first thing you said when I asked you a serious question about him.”

“And?”

Rey sighed. “And I know you. I love you; you’re my big brother. But I’ve seen the relationships you’ve had and some of them have been…not the healthiest.”

“Are you...are you slut-shaming me over my one-night stands?”

“ _No!_ One-night stands are a different thing. I am talking about the relationships that aren’t healthy. Like when you just ghost someone or you go into a rage after you find out your partner wasn’t as committed as you were. Or, okay, a bit on the one-night stands—but not because you have them! Because sometimes, you go a really long time and then you go out and you…don’t always make good decisions.”

Kylo took a deep breath and closed his eyes. _She’s not trying to pick a fight. She’s not trying to bring up the ugly parts of your past. She is_ just _expressing concern for your well-being_ , he thought, trying to frame it as his therapist had taught him.

“Kylo?”

“Are you warning me off, Rey?” he asked.

“No. I am…cautioning you. I—argh!”

“Slow down, use your words.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Language,” Kylo scolded, automatically.

“Yeah, we’re several years past you being able to police my mouth.”

“There is a really easy joke I am not going to make, because I am a grown-up.”

Rey stuck her tongue out at him. 

“Mature,” Kylo said, rolling his eyes.

Rey laughed, then quickly sobered. “There are things about Hux that I can’t tell you.”

“Okay?” Kylo asked, confused.

“I just…he is a good man, and some spectacularly bad shit has happened to him. People have—people have said things about him that aren’t true.”

“I have some experience with that, as you know.”

Rey met his eyes and nodded slowly. “I know. I want you to remember that when things get ugly. Don’t cut and run without talking to him.”

“Rey, you realize you are extrapolating some long-term thing between me and Hux based solely on a single sentence I uttered.”

“You’ve been my brother for a quarter of a century, Ben. I know how to extrapolate you.”

“Okay, then.” He wouldn’t argue with her. Not when she called him Ben; she only did that when she felt he needed to pay extra attention to her.

“Okay, then,” she agreed.  
******

“You know, I had _plans_ for this evening. And while I don’t mind coming to visit you, my original scenario for this evening was much more fun.”

Hux raised his left eyebrow at Olivia’s comment. “I’m sorry?”

“Ignore her,” Phasma said, pushing her girlfriend into the apartment ahead of her. “She was really hoping Ren’s apology went poorly and she’d have an excuse to kick his ass.”

Hux snorted and allowed Phasma to press a kiss to his cheek before he locked the door behind them.

“I don’t need an excuse to kick his ass. I need a _reason_ ,” Olivia corrected once Hux had joined them min the kitchen. She was in the process of putting the food they’d brought on the island.

“There’s a difference?” Hux asked, confused.

“Yes!” Phasma and Olivia said, simultaneously.

“Okay. Explain, please,” Hux said, sitting on one of the stools. 

He tried to suppress a wince as his knee protested the angle it was forced into. He reached down to rub at the ache, steadfastly ignoring the look Phasma gave him by locking eyes with Olivia.

He realized ten seconds later that was a bad idea; Olivia’s unflinching stare was nearly as perceptive as Phasma’s. While she was closer to Rey’s age than his or Phasma’s Olivia had an aura about her that clearly stated she had seen some shit and brooked no bullshit. In a word, she was perfect for Phasma.

“Olivia tends to hold onto grudges,” Phasma explained, breaking the silence.

“You say that like I don’t have a reason to be mad,” Olivia said, her voice a bit too calm.

“Again, I am going to need an explanation,” Hux intervened.

Phasma sighed. “Ren and Jess, Olivia’s sister, were childhood friends. Without telling stories out of turn—“

“Like he deserves that courtesy,” Olivia muttered.

“Would you start telling stories about Hux?” Phasma asked.

“Low blow, Phas,” Olivia replied.

Phasma paused before explaining. “Ren got into some dark shit several years ago. Before he got clear, he hurt a lot of people who loved him.”

“You and…Kylo?” Hux asked, looking at Olivia.

Olivia’s entire face contorted in disgust. “Ugh, no. Kylo was always like an annoying older brother, until he became my mortal enemy.”

Phasma turned to look at Hux. “I have to warn you: when it comes to Ren, Olivia tends to indulge in severe dramatics for reasons I have yet to fathom.”

Olivia rolled her eyes at Phasma, but allowed her girlfriend to wrap an arm around her and press a kiss to her temple.

“Ren was an absolute bastard to my sister, Jess. She defended him as long as she could, but he eventually cut too deeply and broker her heart,” Olivia finished.

Hux stood there, silently trying to reconcile the person Olivia described with the man who’d been in his apartment only a few hours ago. Sure, his first impression of Ren was rather shitty, but the man had made an effort to apologize, and he didn’t think it was solely because of Phasma’s right hook. He had been kind, and observant.

“I don’t…” he began, unable to finish. He had thought there was something good and likeable about Kylo, but if his best friend’s girlfriend hated him this much…

“Once Ren got his act together, Jessika was the first person not blood-related to him he apologized to. To his credit, he has mended fences, and he and Jess are now closer than ever,” Phasma said, moving to cover Hux’s hand with her own.

“He hasn’t apologized to _me_ ,” Olivia grumbled.

“Yes, he did. You’re just holding onto your ire for some unfathomable reason.”

“He only apologized to me for what he said to me. He didn’t apologize to me for hurting my sister,” Olivia said, folding her arms over her chest.

Hux couldn’t help himself, he snickered. At the affronted look on Olivia’s face, and the glimmer in Phasma’s eye, it turned into a full-blown belly laugh. He laughed until he felt tears streaming down his face and he was barely making sound. He finally stopped when he was nearly out of breath, and he felt Phasma running a gentle hand over his back.

“Better now?” Olivia asked. 

Hux looked up. The younger woman had a smirk on face, but she was sliding a glass of water over to him.

“Much, thank you,” he said, taking the glass.

“Care to explain why my girlfriend’s existential angst caused that fit?” Phasma asked.

“Because it was existential angst. All this time, I’ve been dealing with the ugly reality of what happened to me—what is happening to me—and your girlfriend has been holding a grudge for years over a third-party apology. I mean, I’m sorry, Olivia, but that is equal parts ridiculous and hilarious.”

Phasma chuckled as she sat beside him. “ _Thank you_. If I say it to her, she’ll withhold sex. If you say it to her, then you’re just my shitty former commanding officer.”

“I’ll have you know, Olivia, that I was an _exceptional_ former commanding officer,” Hux said.

“That is true,” Phasma said, nodding. “He’s just a supremely uptight human being.”

Olivia smiled. “Well, no one’s perfect.”

“Not even me?” Phasma asked in mock affront.

“Not even you. But you have certain qualities that make it very easy to overlook that sad fact,” Olivia replied, coming around the counter to tousle Phasma’s hair.

“Marry her, Phasma. Marry her now,” Hux advised.

“Hush, you,” Olivia said, giving Hux’s hair the same treatment. She practically beamed when he didn’t flinch away from her.

“That’s right, Hux. O and I have agreed: I get to ask her to move in, and she gets to do the marriage proposal.”

“That is exactly the practical romanticism I expect from you, Phasma,” Hux said.

“Hush, you,” Phasma echoed.  
*****

Kylo stared up at his ceiling from the comfort of his bed. He had finally managed to get Rey out the door an hour ago—after she had somehow tricked him into cooking dinner under the guise of giving her advice on her training program. It wasn’t that his sister was a bad cook, but she tended to get easily distracted when she was in the kitchen, and had overcooked more than one meal. And the less said of the time she set fire to her lasagna, the better.

He tried to blame the weight in his stomach on the fact that he had probably used too many jalapeños in the dinner. He and Rey had a tendency to try to out-spice each other, and this evening had been no different. But he knew the weight in his stomach didn’t have anything to do with his culinary predilections: it had to do with Hux.

Kylo had told Rey there was something about Hux, and that had been 100% true. But it was more than that; he had genuinely liked talking to Hux, once he had gotten out of his own way and properly apologized. There had definitely been a spark, and now that he was home and thinking about it, he was kicking himself that he hadn’t asked for Hux’s number. 

He could ask Rey for it, but that would just lead to more of her side-eyeing him and tiptoeing around both his and Hux’s past. He wanted _Hux_ to trust him enough to talk to him about what caused his PTSD; about what was causing that hyper-vigilance about being recorded or photographed. He knew a relationship with Hux is not something he’d want filtered through his sister.

He could just stop by Hux’s apartment and ask to see him. Maybe ask him out for coffee, or offer to run out and fetch dinner for him. But showing up unannounced at Hux’s home could either result in startling him, to the point of causing panic; or result in Phasma being there visiting, and a stilted confrontation with her. Neither of those scenarios were conducive to Kylo spending some quality time getting to know Hux.

But he did know that Hux, at some point, would be back at Cloud City. He was there most days, anyway, so maybe he could run into Hux and strike up a proper conversation. If not, Lando probably had some kind of schedule for Hux in his office. He could pop the lock and take a peek; it wasn’t exactly ethical, and he would pay for it if he got caught.

It would probably be worth it.

His plan of action settled, Kylo finally let himself relax. He drifted off to sleep contemplating the exact color of Hux’s eyes. For writing purposes, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my real quick explanation for why this (and so many other works) have been quiet for so long (please note, this will cover depression and other topics, so if those are triggering for you, the teal deer is that I went through some serious darkness and emotional shit, but then really good things happened and I spent six months dealing with the emotional whiplash but totally have my shit together now): 
> 
> In January of 2017, I found out _via text,_ that the company I had been working for, and help building the client base and reputation of, for 15 years was closing/closed. Prior to this, the business had been slowing, forcing me to find a job with flexible hours that would allow me to take on projects of main business. I turned down lucrative job offers prior to January 2017 because Boss promised he was dedicated to improving the business and bringing in more work. 
> 
> So, there I was, with mounting bills and not really seeing a way forward. I was in a _really_ bad, dark place. You'll notice I did some writing and posting in those months, and my anger and depression did lend itself to losing myself in fandom at a time when I saw no future in the real world. The man I was working for in the job I had picked up to make ends meet--David--is one of those truly good people in the world. He gave me a raise and encouraged me to finish my novel (I did; that's another story).
> 
> Then, in June of 2017, an attorney I had previously worked with reached out to me that he was starting his own firm, and he really wanted me to work for him (his exact words to colleagues was that he needed a "my name", and luckily those colleagues encouraged him to reach out. My job interview was, "The job is yours unless you say no." Needless to say, I started in July 2017; the pay was far better, the vacation time quite liberal, and it was a 1000% better environment. New Boss is super-supportive and genuinely nice (like, he and David are the embodiment of good in the world), and made me see that the 15-year job boss had been taking advantage of me and it was a mentally unhealthy place. I spent the end of 2017 relearning me and being supported by my work and, honestly, there was some serious emotional whiplash I had to work through. I had to accept I deserved this new life, and I was worth it. I'm embarrassed by how long it took me to embrace where I am now.
> 
> So, here we are in 2018, and I feel more stable than I have in...a really long time. I can't make any promises about a regular posting schedule, because the new job is high-volume and has periods of high-stress. But I can tell you that the writing is easier for me now, and I have missed these characters as much as you have.
> 
> Teal Deer: Faith makes massive apologies for making you all wait, and I promise to do better from now on. *mwah*

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this for a while. I was nervous about posting in such a popular pairing, but everyone I've interacted with in the Kylux fandom has been so awesome, I finally found my bravery pants.
> 
> Work and chapter titles come from a lovely list of emotions people feel, but can't explain.
> 
> Feel free to drop by my [tumblr](http://lyssawrotethat.tumblr.com/.html) (@lyssawrotethat) and squee at me over kylux!


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